One Year

What a year.

One year ago today--July 19, 2004--I was sitting in an auditorium in New York being "Welcome-ed" to my company. I was bright-eyed, for the most part well rested, and eager to begin this new career and this new phase in my life.

For the year leading up to that day, I had become lazy. Really lazy. In college, the constant rush and speed of my first few years had grown to a sense of complacency and restlessness. Granted, I was having a great time, but I was bored. I realized that I didn't need to work as hard as I was working and could still maintain great grades (although I still probably worked more than most) and that I could do a marginal job in the extracurricular activities that I was in and still get credit for them with minimal effort. I had really adopted the "frat guy" attitude and personality, and realized that as my college time was so limited I needed to really begin enjoying it.

A lot of things therefore suffered that last year of college. My drive and motivation became very minimal. My work ethic was shot. And most importantly my faith--which had sustained me and set me apart from the group my freshman year of college--waned. I was still going to church every Sunday and, heck, I even help to start a small Bible study in my fraternity, but my like most things in my life I had grown complacent in it and was content to be an observer in my faith rather than an active participant.

I knew from the beginning that my job was going to be tough. I knew that it was going to shake me out of my laziness in terms of my drive, motivation, and work ethic and require me to really snap back into my freshman year of college mode where I was so eager and tying to make a name for myself. I knew it would entail long hours and some sleepless nights. I knew all that.

What I didn't know, however, was the profound effect it would have on my faith.

I can never begin to know God's will. As hard as I try, it will probably not make a lot of sense to me. I can suppose what God wanted me to do. I felt at the end of college he was telling me to go to seminary school right away. I still think that might have been the case--but am not convinced. And as I reflect more and more on this past year and what I have learned from it, I have become less and less sure that God really didn't want me here all along.

This has been the hardest year of my life. It's been hard for a vast majority of reasons. But for the first time in my life I have done something that isn't easy. School was always easy. Sure, I stressed out a lot and worried a lot, but at the end of the day it was an easy endeavor. My extracurricular activities were easy. They required a little effort to keep them going, and being "good enough" rewards about the same benefits as truly excelling in it. Easy.

This, however, has been anything but easy. For the first time I have been in a job that hasn't come natural to me. I have had to face the feeling of being inadequate in what I do. For the first time I haven't been in control of my own schedule. In the past if I was busy it was basically my own fault--I took on too much, and if I wanted to be less busy all I had to do was say "no" or get out, and it would be taken care of.

For the first time in my life I have had to work hard. Harder than I ever wanted or ever thought possible.

And as a result of this experience, God has tested me and stretched me in ways I have never thought possible, and the lessons taught me this past year has been a veritable "Who's Who" of skills that God requires his disciples to know.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ~ Galations 5:22-23

I can look to each of these "fruits" in my own life and see how they have either matured or were planted because of this job--often times not without much struggle, fight and pushback from me. As a result of this experience, God has continued to mold me and shape me in the person he ultimately wants me to be. He has taught me, probably more than anything, that my joy and foundation in life cannot come from external situations--as was their source for so much of my life--and instead has to come from inward--from the Holy Spirit inside of me. I finally have come to understand what Paul means when he says

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. ~ Phil 4:12-13

Now, I'm not saying that I always am content in every situation--but I know what Paul is getting at here, and I can only aspire to be truly able to say this myself. I'm closer now than I was a year ago.

Was I ready to enter seminary school last Fall? I don't know. I don't know if I could have handled it. I don't know if I had grown out of my "old ways" enough. I don't know if I would have been as effective as I believe I can be now as a result of this experience. It just very well might be that this was indeed God's plan for my life all along.

Regardless of whether or not I ended up where I was suppossed to end up is a pointless game that will prove "fruitless." The fact is that I am here now, and that I must be focused on getting the most out of my time here.

A year ago I had no idea how my life would have progressed up until this point. And equally so, I have no idea where I will be on July 19, 2006. But no matter where I end up, I do know one thing--that if I forget what is behind--and strain toward what is ahead--I will no doubt be closer to that goal.

It's taken me a whole year to figure that out...

What a year, indeed.

Losing Control

I can increasingly feel myself losing control.

Every day, every passing moment, I can feel myself losing control of my thoughts, of my actions, of my desires and of my will and losing control of myself.

I would say slowly but surely I can feel God taking over, but that's not accurate. It's definitely not slowly. It's rapidly, and I would almost say too rapidly.

I prayed a while ago that God would make me one of his disciples. It was after reading Dallas Willard's The Divine Conspiracy, where Willard challenges the reader--dare I say cautiously--that that should be our prayer. And that is what I prayed. And I don't know if I was prepared for God to answer it.

It is an awesome experience. Sometimes I can feel my heart bursting with love--love for the people that are around me, and a desire to let them know about Jesus. It is a wild ride that I hope won't end. The thrill of thinking that day-by-day, moment-by-moment, God is turning me into something like himself is so exhilirating to think about. And I want so much to shout it from the rooftops how much my Savior means to me.

And then this is where the resistance begins. This is where the hesitation starts.

Because at the end of the day I don't have anybody I can tell this to. I don't have anybody to tell because I don't know if anyone will understand. I'm afraid of turning people off to me, of losing my friends. Some will think I've lost it, that I've taken this Christianity thing to the extreme and finally gone off the deep end. They won't get it, they'll be turned off to it. I'm even afraid of how those closest to me will respond.

And so I'm caught in this awkward spot...a desire to go forward and lose more control...but no one to share it with. A desire to give it all to Jesus...but a fear of who I'll lose by doing so.

What do I choose? Where do I go?

Ultimately, I know there is only one answer.

Jesus said that, "any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot by my disciple" (Luke 14:33). Everything. Friends. Family. Loved ones. Anything that causes me to stumble in my faith, anything that holds me back from following Jesus, I must be prepared to give up in order to follow him. That doesn't mean I will be required to give them up. It just means that I might be asked to and willing to if asked.

Because in the end only one thing can matter.

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him ~ Phil 3:7-9

And that is why "Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Phil 3:13-14).

Father, help me to become Your disciple. Help me to be willing to leave it all behind to follow You. And help me to proclaim it from the rooftops to anybody who will listen, for

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. ~ Matt 5:14-16

Help me, Father, lose control daily.

The All Nighter

So I never did end up pulling that all nighter last night.

But it looks like I will tonight.

And you know what? I'm OK with that. Strangely, I'm OK with that.

Ever since I started having a new attitude about this job--purposely, consciously started having a new attitude about this job--things have turned up. I'm not working any less, I still have a lot to do, and still won't get a break for quite some time, but strangely, things are looking up.

I've started to see God in my job and throughout it all. I've started to see a point in it all. So what if I work a lot? So what if I'm up late? Does me being here late make this experience any less "holy"? Sure, I need rest. Yes, I'm tired...but the longer I'm up the more oppotunity I have to experience God.

That has been the most significant change over the last few days--trying to see Him wherever I am. If I truly focus on that--and believe me, I forget a TON--then this whole experience becomes almost bearable. Almost.

Of course, we'll see what I have to say tomorrow at 4:00 p.m., when I've been up for 33 hours straight.

The End of the World

I think I may know what Jesus feels like.

I'm at a meeting right now that is going to produce a lot of work tonight, and the later this meeting goes on, the longer I will have to be up tonight. Currently I'm already looking to almost an all nighter as we have a meeting on Friday that materials are due for. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude (per my previous post), but this meeting is somewhat maddening. It's like the world is ending and I am the only one who knows about it. Everyone is enjoying themselves talking in these meetings, we just had a great lunch in an awesome cafeteria, we took a tour of this campus with a gym, basketball courts, running trails, etc. It's a beautiful day and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, "don't you understand? The world is about to end. There's so much that we need to do." But no one will listen.

I wonder if that's how Jesus feels when He looks at us, not caring or focusing on the eternal. "Don't you understand? You're sitting around, idly. I'm coming soon. You need to get serious, because when it hits you're not going to have anymore time. You need to get started focusing now. Time is running out..."

The Job

From yesterday's "My Utmost for His Highest":

A spiritually vigorous saint never believes that his circumstances simply happen at random, nor does he ever think of his life as being divided into the secular and the sacred. He sees every situation in which he finds himself as the means of obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ, and he has an attitude of unrestrained abandon and total surrender about him. The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and He will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do...Whatever we may be doing-- even eating, drinking, or washing disciples' feet-- we have to take the initiative of realizing and recognizing Jesus Christ in it.

I don't think it's any secret that I don't like my job. I work really bad hours, have very little free time, and am in on average 1.5 days during the weekend. When most people are going home at around 5-6, I have just reached the halfway point in my day. My schedule is extremely unpredictable. One day I could have nothing to do; the next I am in until 4:00 a.m.

It's no secret that I don't like it because I tell everyone. Constantly. My number one hobby is complaining about my job. I probably spend 30% of every conversation that I have complaining about it--about how miserable I am, how much I don't like it, and how much I want out. I hit my 50% of the way done point on Sunday and I told the whole world about it. Closer to the finish than to the start--a great feeling.

But when I read that quote, above, I realize that I'm not doing my Christian duty by complaining about my job. I used to think that this job was against God's will for my life. I think maybe originally it was. But now that I'm here, and have come to "terms" with it, I realize that staying in this job, and seeing it through to completion, is God's new will for my life--His backup plan for right now. And I have a responsibility to serve Him here.

I don't think that this job will ever get better until I have a change in my attitude. I haven't been in this job living it to the fullest. I need to begin to change my outlook on it, and see it as an opportunity to serve Him. "He sees every situation as the means of obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ." Am I really doing that in this job? No, I'm not. And I don't think that God is going to make it any easier until I start to: "...and he will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do."

I think that once I truly have that attitude shift--and truly see this job as a way to glorify Christ--it will make this experience the best experience of my life--and can make this job the most exciting and exhilarating job ever. After all, this is an "experience" that sometimes lasts 100 hours a week. It is an "experience" that takes up 16-18 hours a day on average. If I were to spend each minute of every day here finding a way to glorify God--finding a way in my daily mundane tasks to focus on "obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ" then they might have to tear me from the walls to get me to leave.

So I am going to begin to focus on having an "attitude of unrestrained abandon and total surrender about him" in this job. I am going to begin to focus on seeing him in every task, every chore, every assignment, every staffing and every conversation. It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be exciting. If my goal is to get closer to him, when better to start than now?

"...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings..." ~ Phil 3:10

Searching

They’re on the bus. They’re at the supermarket. They’re walking to work.

Some have a smile on their face. Some are laughing. Some look worried. Some, depressed.

You see them ordering coffee. You watch them reading a book. They’re on their cell phone.

And they’re running past you.

They all look different. Different hairstyles, different colored skin, different features. Some bear the wrinkles of time. Some show the innocence of youth. Others, the scars of heartache and pain.

But through all of these differences, in all of these dissimilarities, there is one thing in common:

They’re all searching.

They’re searching for promise in the morning paper. They’re searching for meaning in their career. They’re searching for hope in the latest bestseller. They’re searching for purpose in their looks.

They’re searching for something greater than themselves. They’re searching for a reason for living. They’re searching for something…anything…

They’re searching for more.

Despite the success, despite the popularity, despite the wisdom garnered over the years, there is an emptiness about their lives. They know there is something else out there. They know this can’t be it. They know there is a greater calling.

But they can’t find it where they’re looking.

Some will search their whole lives. Some will move on from event to event, pleasure to pleasure, craze to craze to find what they’re looking for. Some, weary from the search, will simply give up and decide there is nothing more, there is nothing else. There is just this…and that’s it.

They will never know of the power of Jesus Christ. They will never know of the overwhelming love that He brings. They will never see the joy that He gives…of the freedom that He offers, of the grace that He pours out.

Because though they’re searching, they’re looking in the wrong places. They’re knocking on the wrong doors, they’re being guided by the blind and led by the ignorant.

And so they declare, with faithlessness and gracelessness, in anguish and in frustration, in hurt and despair,

“As for me, I’m still searching.”
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We’re on the bus. We’re at the supermarket. We’re walking to work.

Some of us have a smile on our face. Some of us are laughing. Some of us look focused. Some, burdened.

We’re ordering coffee. We’re reading the Bible. We’re praying.

And we’re running past them.

We all look different. We have different hairstyles, difference colored skin, different features. Some of us bear the wrinkles of time. Some of us show the innocence of youth. Others, the scars of past heartache and pain.

But through all of our differences, in all of our dissimilarities, there is one thing in common: we’ve stopped searching.

For some reason, we’ve all stopped searching.

We’ve found the truth. We know the promise. We’ve experienced the joy. We’ve seen the purpose.

We’ve found someone greater than ourselves. We’ve found our reason for living. We’ve found Jesus Christ. We know they’re is something more.

And yet, still, we’ve stopped searching.

We’ve forgotten what it was like. We have forgotten the emptiness. We’ve forgotten the tears. We’ve forgotten the heartache….the desperation…the loneliness.

And in all our reading, in all our studying, in all of our listening, and in all of our praying, we’ve forgotten one command.

“Go.”

“Go and make.” “Go and baptize.” “Go and teach.” “Go and obey.”

They’re all around us. We see them and yet we forget them. We witness them, and yet fail to witness to them. We hear them but never listen.

We’ve all stopped searching.

We have the key. We hold the map. We know the Way. We’ve seen the hope.

We are the light.

So…let us shine. Let us burn brightly.

Let us “Go.”

And let us declare, with grace and truth, with gentleness and respect, with promise and purpose,

“But as for me, I’m still searching.”
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And maybe…just maybe…by the grace of God, we’ll find each other.

Simplicity

The thing that I long for most in life is simplicity.

When did things become so complicated? Why did they have to be so complicated? I don't think that when God created life He meant us to make it so complicated. I don't think that was His intention. I think he wanted to leave all of the complicated stuff up to Him--and let us just live. Live in His presence, live in His joy, live a simple and fulfilled life.

And then we went and messed it all up. We wanted to be God. We didn't want someone else to be in control. We wanted to do it for ourselves. And so we tried to be God.

I think that is where complexity all started, and where it continues on today. When we try to be God. When we take matters into our own hand. When we take control of our own lives, our own finances, our own plans. When we don't trust God enough to be in control. When we feel like we can do it better ourselves. When we don't hand enough over to God. Then things become complex.

If we, myself included in this, were to live each and every day as though God was in control then things wouldn't be so complex. I think so often our stresses in life result from us not trusting God. We don't feel as though God can take care of things. And so we take matters into our own hands. We try to run it ourselves. And then it all becomes complex.

I don't know anything about cars. Not a lick. That was never something that interested me. Now if my car broke down, I could do one of two things. Either I could try to fix it myself--get under the hood, and play with some nozzles and levers and see if I could get it started again--or I could hand it over to a mechanic, the expert, and have him take care of it. If I were to mess around with it myself, there is about a one in a million chance I could fix it--but chances are, I will only make it worse. If I hand it over to a mechanic, I have no doubt that he could fix it. After all, this is what he does. He is an expert at fixing cars.

And that's what God is. He is an expert at our lives. He created them. He knows every intricate detail of them. He knows not only our lives, but he knows that of everyone else's. And he knows how they're going to affect ours. And if I were to just stop trying to fix things myself, taking things into my own hands and trying to work them out, then things would become simple again.

You see, a car is inherently simple to me. Really, it is. I stick my key in it and turn it and it works. Every once in a while I need to go to a gas station, and stick a nozzle in a hole and pull a trigger. But even that is simple. There's a little light that appears telling me when to do it. There is no guesswork. It's easy.

Now you talk to a mechanic, and a car is inherently not simple. It is complex. There are a million things going on inside of, a million things that have to work just right for it to even get me out of my driveway.

But I don't need to worry about that. That's for him to figure out. He's the expert. I just need to do what I'm told, and the car keeps working. It's that simple.

And that's how life should be. All I need to do is hand the keys over to God. And life will become simple.

I think I'm going to try that today.