It's All About Jesus

For whatever reason on Sunday my bus stopped well before it usually does and the driver informed us that it was going to go no further. And so everyone had to exit, and my trip to church got a heck of a lot longer.

As I journeyed on to my church, I had to walk through less "desirable" parts of San Francisco. Not bad, mind you, or dangerous, just parts of the city you wouldn't normally find someone like myself in. Homelessness is a problem in San Francisco, just like any other city, but seems to be more rampant here than I encountered when I lived in Los Angeles. And those homeless people here appear to be more helpless in their situation than those I ran into in LA.

Walking along these streets to church, it hit me the kind of life that I am signing up for as a Pastor. The majority of my church experience up until my move here has been in fairly affluent circles. EV Free may not be a "rich" church, but it is a well-off church, and a church that has over five thousand members. Friends, another church I went to in Orange County, is soon moving into a new 2500 seat building. Saddleback, which I also attend frequently, accepted pledges of over $50,000,000 in one weekend to build onto its already sprawling 150+ acre campus. And Bel Air, where I went to church while at USC, had among its regular attenders Ronald Reagan, Tori Spelling and Britney Spears.

Needless to say, my view of church has been warped, and it wasn't until living here that I realized how far out of the norm that was.

Most churches are struggling. They don't exist in wealthy neighborhoods, and don't boast memberships well into the thousands. The church I go to in SF I would consider a relatively healthy one--and it has 400 people on a Sunday at most. Most churches don't have the reach or the influence as the ones I am accostomed to. Not everyone has heard of it. And the Pastors don't write books or have TV or radio ministries. Instead, they have their hands full managing a struggling congregation.

It hit me as I made this walk that if I am going to become a Pastor, I cannot do it out of selfish reasons. I admit that I was initially drawn to the role because of my love of public speaking--and, indeed, a tool I believe God used to initially draw me. But being a Pastor is so much more than that, and that is never to be a reason why someone becomes one.

Instead, I must realize that the only reason to be a Pastor is because of a love for Christ. It's all about Jesus. If I am to become one of the ones that He chooses to lead a church, it is only because I want to follow Christ, and sacrifice everything I have for Him. That is the only thing that will sustain me through difficult times, when things aren't going the way I expect them and when I'm down. I may never have a ministry that means anything outside the walls of a small town, but I must learn to be satisfied that I am making an impact for Christ. If I am to become a Pastor, I must realize that God may even choose to ask me to sacrifice my love for public speaking--that for whatever reason, I might never ever preach a sermon the rest of my life--but that is to not hinder my desire to still follow Him and His will.

I have to be honest--that is a scary thought. For a person like me, who is used to accolades and achievement, and is able to, on my own, get quite a bit accomplished, for me to say that I am willing to sacrifice all of that for the name of Jesus, to surrender complete control of my ambitions and my desires for His will, to deny myself and follow Him, well...can I do it? Am I ready to do it? Is my love for Christ that strong?

I don't know. And I don't have the answers right now. But I'm searching. I'm always searching. And I won't give up until I find the truth.

The Touch

Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart... ~ Proverbs 3:5

I saw a scene recently that really struck me and really made me think.

I was on my way to the gym and saw a blind woman on the sidewalk waiting for a bus. Next to her side was her guide-dog--a golden retriever. As I walked past the pair, I glanced at the dog, expecting to see the woman's hands grabbing tightly onto the dog's leash. Instead, she barely appeared to be touching the dog at all. Indeed, she only had two fingers extended and they were lightly touching just a few strands of fur on the neck of the dog--she wasn't even touching the dog's skin. For the dog, I'm sure it felt as nothing more than the hint of a touch. Indeed, the dog was being held back by absolutely nothing. And, if it chose, it could run off after any car that was passing by.

Yet it didn't. It stayed right there.

I know that if I were in that woman's place, I would do everything that I could to ensure that the dog--my companion and only means of getting around--stayed right there by me. At the very least, I know that I would be gripping onto the dog's collar or leash with all my might. But, more likely, I would be sitting down on the curb right next to the dog with my hands around its neck.

What struck me as I watched this was the faith that this woman had in her dog. She knew that this dog was not going to leave her side. This faith was developed from years of experience with the dog. When she first got him, I'm sure she held onto the dog's leash, making sure it was always by her side. But as time wore on, she knew that she could trust the dog--her companion wouldn't leave her. And so, she gradually learned to loosen her grip on the leash until she had so much faith in it that she let go altogether. In fact, although I can't be certain, I would even argue to say that the reason she touched the dog so lightly was not so that she would be certain that the dog was still there--but rather to let the dog know that she was still there, so as to remind him of her presence and assure him that he wasn't abandoned. In that hint of a touch, the dog was comforted.

As I reflected this woman's faith in her dog, I started to became very ashamed of my faith in God. Like this woman, I have Something at my side that has proved Itself time and time again. A loyal Companion that has never left me through the years. And not just any Companion. I have standing next to me every day the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth. God Almighty. Ruler of all creation. The Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. The Savior. A God that has taken me through every struggle, every trial and every hard time I have ever faced in my life. "Through many troubles, toils and snares I have already come," the hymnist writes. And it is by the grace of God that I have made it through them all.

And yet, day after day, I still doubt and question. Time after time I fail to trust God. He has never given me any reason to not believe that He will be by my side. And yet I still fail Him. Constantly. I know that He will provide...and yet I fail to trust Him with my finances. I know that His will is always best...and yet I fail Him with my decisions. I know that He will give me the words when I share Him with others...and yet I fail Him with spreading the Gospel. I know that He is there. And yet I fail to lean on him and fail to let him guide me. And, instead, I wander aimlessly. I wander blindly.

Reflecting further on this, I was overwhelmed by another thing: despite my failings, I was struck by how much God still trusts me.

In many ways, I saw God as the Master, and myself as the guide-dog. But the absolute worst guide-dog man has even seen. The kind that you wouldn't trust to give to someone with 20-20 vision. A dog who runs away at the first chance he gets, the second his master lets him free--and even sometimes when he doesn't.

But God hasn't given up on me. He hasn't retired me, sent me back to the kennel, and gotten a new guide-dog. Quite to the contrary, every day He gives me more opportunities to trust Him. Even when I don't deserve it, He still lets me free.

Even though I haven't trusted Him with my finances, he gives me a paycheck every month. Even though I doubt His will, He still lets me make my own decisions. Even though I fear spreading His word to others, he still gives me daily new opportunities to tell others about Jesus.

Even though every morning I run away from Him and after the first thing that catches my eye, every night He welcomes me back with open arms and a great big hug.

If I had a dog that misbehaved as much as I do, I would tie it to a tree in my back yard with a 12-inch steel pole.

But not God. Every morning He brings me outside to the sidewalk and lets me go, leaving me free to do as I choose.

Most times I take off running and don't look back as I pursue everything that I shouldn't, leaving my God on the sidewalk, waiting for me to return.

But recently, as my faith has matured and I have grown deeper in the knowledge of God, I decide, every once in a while, to not leave so quickly or wander so far. Instead, I am learning, a little bit each day, to stay a little bit closer to the Master.

And when I do stay a bit closer to my God, something amazing happens. Ever so softly, ever so gracefully, there is a touch--not even a touch, but a gentle hint of a touch--on the back of my neck. And the closer I stay to God the more frequently this happens. It is in these times that I realized that I have received something truly special. For God has reached down, and I have felt His touch--the touch of the Master.

And in that touch, I am comforted in the thought that my God is there--and reminded again to trust in Him.

Chuck Swindoll

On Sunday I was able to see the best pastor I have ever heard before in my life, Chuck Swindoll. The former Pastor of Ev Free, Fullerton, the church I grew up in, Chuck came back for the church's 50th Anniversary to give a message that largely served as a reflection on his years at the church.

Hearing--and watching--Chuck brought a tear to my eye. I saw in that man a person who was born to preach. Undoubtedly, Chuck is a man that God called uniquely to preach His word. And there are few--I would argue none--who do it as well as Chuck.

What I admired about Chuck's preaching is that he didn't resort to gimmicks and tricks to teach the word. He didn't try for any catchy phrases or acronyms to drive home the point. Instead, he relied on the Word -- he spoke from the Word. And rather than have us fill in 15 blanks on a sheet of paper to force us to pay attention, he simply had us write four words in the margin of our Bible, and instead kept our attention the entire time with his honest preaching of the Word of God, flavored with his masterful way of bringing thoughts together.

I think the reason that it hit me the way it did is because I saw a person doing exactly what I believe I was born to do. Preach. I believe that is what God has uniquely called me for. I know there are more things to the role of a Pastor than his weekly sermon. And by God's grace I will be able to fulfill that role, as he gives me the gifts necessary. But I also know that God has already given me a unique gift. It is that gift that first drew me to the thought of the ministry, and that gift that sustains me as I think about pressing on towards that goal.

I have come to have a different attitude about my current job more over the past several months. Something changed almost instantaneously one day and I started to, in my weaker moments, even like what I'm doing. Perhaps it's that I'm more experienced. Perhaps I've had it lucky recently. Perhaps it's because I'm just phased from doing over a year of this and so I'm simply used to the lifestyle, the hours, and the unpredictability. Whatever the reason, there have been moments over the past several weeks when I've even considered doing something more in this field--and even (gasp) staying a third year.

It would probably make sense for me to work longer. Financially I would be much more stable if I worked even just one more year in this or another job. I would appease relatives and friends if I stayed and worked more. And delaying seminary school one year doesn't seem, from the outside, like that big of a deal. And considering the fact that I like it a little bit more, it would even be bearable. Perhaps even enjoyable.

But it wouldn't be fulfilling. Ultimately, there would be a longing in my heart for something more. You see, I realized on Sunday that God made me for a specific reason: he made me to preach. And it is His will for my life that I do that. And I don't think God wants us to postpone His will under any circumstances--no matter how "logical" another path might seem.

I don't know if I'll ever have a ministry as effective as Chuck's. I don't know if I will have his reach, his influence, or his skills. That is not for me to worry about (although I will from time to time). But that does not (or should not) matter. God made me to preach. When He formed me, He made me to stand in front of an audience and tell them about Jesus. I have no doubt about that. While other people my age spend their Saturday afternoons playing videogames or watching football, I spend mine crafting sermons. That's not normal. But there is nothing else I would rather do. And every morning as I ride the bus to work, I can't help but think about standing in front of a congregation, delivering a message.

I still don't know what I'm going to do next year. I'm beginning to realize that there is a right path and not-so-right path. There is what I'm supposed to do, and what I could do and still be OK. I was made to preach. But I can build financial models. I can do both pretty well. But one thing is what I was born to do. The other is what I've picked up over the years.

Father, give me the strength, the wisdom, and the courage to do what you built me to do. Like Chuck, Father, help me to preach...

Following God

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." ~ Matthew 6:33

So I just got back from a 10-day vacation. It was the first time I have really taken time off from my job since I started over a year ago. It was much needed, a great time to recoup and to refocus on what is important. Although I didn't go anywhere exotic--Orange County, back home--it was exactly what I wanted to do.

One of my "goals" during my vacation was to really focus on God's plan for my life. Per recent posts, I have been struggling with the Pastor decision in regards to timing. I know that God has called me to be a Pastor. I have no doubt about that. But I am questioning His exact timing--is it really necessary that I go right away?--and wanted to use this break to figure out God's will for the next step in my life which will begin less than 10 months from now.

God has, for some reason, chosen to deal with my very directly in life. When I was first called, I heard, quite literally, the voice of God telling me. And there are other times in my life when He has revealed things to me very distinctly. And so I faced this past week with that in mind, hoping that one day, while reading the Bible, or praying, or attending church that God would speak to me and tell me what He wanted me to do.

And so I went to church diligently--four times this past week. And I prayed. And I read the Bible. And I prayed some more, and sang songs and fell asleep reading the Bible. And yet there was no sign from God, no voice telling me what I should do, no vision making it clear.

And I sit here now, on the last day of my vacation, "preparing" for the week ahead of me, and am no further along in my decision than I was 10 days ago.

I started to get concerned about this earlier in the week. I didn't know when I would have another time like last week--and extended break where I could really focus on God's will for my life--again before I really have to make my decision. I don't want to make a decision that is against God's will. And I don't think God would me to do that either. So why didn't God choose to reveal it to me when I wanted?

It was at one point in my study this past week that God put on my heart Matthew 6:33, above. A famous verse that most Christians can quote by heart, and many non-Christians have heard of before, this passage took on new meaning for me this past week as God revealed to me something more important that whether or not He wants me to be a Pastor now or later.

I realized this past week that I was getting so caught up in God's will that I was forgetting what is most important: God, himself. I was so intent on finding out what God wants me to do that I was neglecting to find out more about God.

Whenever I read the Bible, my thoughts were focused more on "I wonder if this verse will be the verse where God chooses to tell me." Whenever I worshipped in church I was listening for that voice that first spoke to me over three years ago. Whenever I prayed, I was telling God what He needed to tell me, and not listening to God about what He wanted to tell me.

God wants us to follow His will. But that is not at the expense of following God, and that is what that verse speaks to. Sometimes we as Christians try so hard to follow what God wants us to do, or where he wants us to go that we forget that what God wants more than all of that is for us to follow Him. That He is more important that what He wants us to do or where He wants us to go. And that by following Him, He will reveal--in his time--all of these other things.

"Seek first," He says, "Seek first His kingdom and his righteousness." In other words, seek God. I need to seek God. I need to study his word without thinking what I'm going to get out of it--and instead study it to get a better understanding of God. I need to pray to God because He wants me to talk to Him. And I need to worship God because God deserves worshipping.

And God promises that as a by-product of all of this, as a result of following Him, "all these things will be given to you as well." God grants us the desires of our hearts. He gives us what we need. He reveals to us His plans for us. But that is only after we follow Him--and only Him.

Of course God wants me to know His plan for my life. And when He sees it fit He will reveal it to me in the way that He wants me to know. It might be by closing doors in one direction or another. It might be by saying nothing as I, on my own, continue along the path that I think He wants me to, thereby letting me know I'm doing what is right. Or He might choose to open up the Heavens and let me know directly. However He chooses, I will be ready--but let me work to not focus on where I'm going and instead on Him.

Let me seek, first, Him. And have confidence that in time all of that other stuff will be revealed.

Bye!

Hope you have a good weekend!

The Love of God

On Sunday night something hit me that had never hit me before: how much God loves me.

I mean, I've been told that my whole life. I've sang songs about it, read verses about it, and listened to sermons about it. That truth is as basic to the Christian faith as Jesus.

But on Sunday it really hit me. God loves me. A ton. And no matter what I do, no matter where I go, no matter what, God loves me.

His is a love that is pure. It is a love without fail. It is truly unconditional. Get it? Unconditional. No matter what I do He loves me. His love for me isn't dependent on anything. He loves me regardless. He loves me unconditionally.

Think of a friend that you treat the same way that you treat God. I bet it's hard to think of one. Why? Because anybody that you treat as poorly as you treat God isn't a friend anymore. They leave, fed up with your neglect, your rudeness and your failed promises.

And yet no matter how many times we fail God, He's still there. Loving us. Wanting to be with us.

Why?

Because He loves us.

God taught this to me on Sunday night. After a period of selfishness, evidenced in my recent posts, I was reminded by a friend that it's not about me, it's about God. And that I needn't worry what other people think, I need to focus on what God wants.

And when I turned back to God, there He was, waiting for me with open arms, ready to hug me and love me again.

There was no condemnation, no judging looks, no "I told you so" or waving of the finger. Instead, there was grace, mercy and two simple words: "Welcome home."

And that love goes farther. God loves us so much that he always has our best interests in mind. No matter what. He is always looking out for us. He loves us so much that sometimes He will allow us to be hurt in order to make us better.

I think love sometimes requires that: hurt. So many relationships that I see don't have that as a part of them, and I think that is because inherently in love we are selfish. We have our best interest in mind, and are unwilling to let that go and hurt someone else, even if by doing that we are serving their best interest. "I don't want to lose them. There's no way I could tell them that. That would hurt them, and I can't risk that. They might leave me."

But God doesn't do that. He loves us so much that He is willing to do whatever it takes for us to become a better person--even if it risks us rejecting Him in the process.

The love of God is bigger than anything I have ever imagined and will probably never be able to comprehend it or explore all that it offers in this life. But I'm so glad that it's real.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. ~ Ephesians 3:18-19

Scary

According to the NEWSWEEK/Beliefnet Poll, eight in 10 Americans—including 68 percent of evangelicals—believe that more than one faith can be a path to salvation, which is most likely not what they were taught in Sunday school.

68% of Evangelicals? Wow. What has happened?

With Love

Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May he be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen. ~ Ephesians 3:20-21

Father, help me to stop focusing on myself. Let me realize that it's not about me, and it's all about You.

Thank You for Your love, thank You for Your forgiveness, for Your mercy and Your grace and Your infinite wisdom. Thank You for Your patience and for not giving up on me, for still desiring to work in me, even though I fail You so many times.

I love You. Thank You for loving me.

Except

Father, I want to be Your Disciple.
I will do anything You ask of me.
(Except that. I won't do that.)

Father, I want to be Your messenger.
I will go anywhere You tell me.
(Except there. I won't go there.)

Lord, I want to be Your Pastor.
I will tell them anything Your word says.
(Except this. You can't expect me to tell them this.)

Lord, I want to be Your Evangelist.
I will share You with anyone You put in my way.
(Except him. You know I can't talk to him.)

God, I want to be Your Teacher.
I will teach them all to be Your disciples.

(Except me.)

Missed Opportunities

Last night I pulled out a prayer journal that I had near my bed and started reading through some of the old entries. This is not a journal that I write in very often. I got it in 2001, and I probably have 10 or 15 entries in it, total. But it is a journal that I have written in consistently--there are at least a few entries from every year for the past four.

What this journal provides, then, is a snapshot of me in my faith journey at some very distinct times in my life. As I read through the entries, I can't remember writing each one -- but I definitely remember the circumstances surrounding each one and the emotions that I was feeling as I called out for help to God in this journal.

As I read through it, I was struck by two things:

1. Not a single one of my old concerns are my concerns now. Not a one. There is not one thing I wrote down in that journal that I would even think of praying about today. Every single situation was solved, taken care of, and is no longer a worry. I even laughed and smiled at the things that caused me to be so uptight--even as recent as a year ago--and how God's hand has moved in every dilemma. What an awe-inspiring thought to see how God moves in our lives over time.

2. My walk in my faith is no further along now than it was 4 years ago. Although the external problems that have plagued me over the past four years are gone, the shortcomings I have when it comes to my faith, are still there. As I read over this journal, I can't tell you how many times I asked God to "use me," to "let me do your will no matter what," to "change me and shape me, and help me become more like you." And when I wrote in that journal again last night, I used those same cries and pleas for God to use me.

It struck me in reflecting on this that everything that God had control over and I didn't--all of the external situations in my life that have caused me so much worry over the years--God took care of and those problems disappeared. But the one thing that I had control over--my faith, and where I was going to go with it, and how I was going to serve God--is no better off now than it was when I first opened the pages of that journal. In other words, the one obstacle God has failed to remove in my life is the one that He can't. Me.

And yet I look over these years, and I see countless times when God has touched me, when He has reached down and impacted my life. I see times where He has both indirectly and directly called out to me. And I know that those times have changed me--but only for a while. For a week I'll be on cloud-9, ready to do anything and everything that He asks of me. But that next week I'm back on earth, resisting and fighting and falling back into temptation and back into sin.

In short, a lot of that journal was filled with missed opportunities.

Opportunities where God was calling me to do great things. Where if I had truly been willing to "deny myself," there is no limit to what He could have done with me. I have no doubt that if I had recklessly surrendered to God my freshman year of college--and stayed that way throughout--that God could have used me to lead a spiritual revival at USC, the likes of which no campus has seen. That's not boasting in my own abilities; that's marvelling at what God can do with anyone who is willing to follow his will.

Instead? I shrunk back and doubted and said "God, not me, there's no way I could do it" and continued on in my safe world.

In the end, I realized that I have never taken a significant step for my faith in all my life. I have always talked the big talk, I know how to get in a debate about God and hold my own, I can quote scripture and sing the songs, and I can pray and everything else. But I have never taken that leap of faith. I have never taken up my own cross and followed Christ. I've always been too scared to. At that moment when I start to feel myself really losing control to Him, I cour back and say "no. I can't do it." And I miss another opportunity.

And I'm afraid I might do that again.

Recently, I've begun to doubt my calling. Not doubt, per se, but question whether it's necessary for me to do it so soon. I mean, what's the difference if I go to seminary school next year or work for a few more? I'm making good money now, and to work for a few more, I could have a very secure nest egg that could support me for my years of seminary--and then some. I have the potential to make a ton of money in the next several years, and that is very tempting.

Also, what are people going to think about me if I decide to go to seminary school? That I'm giving up? That I couldn't cut it in the "real world" and had to come crawling back home? How will this effect my image of an overachiever? What will people say?

And I also have a feeling that if I decide to do this, I'm going it alone. I will be doing it without the approval of many people around me. My parents, for one, although ultimately supportive, will question why I really had to do it so quick--and be leaving a lot of money on the table. My friends will think I'm downright crazy, many of whom aren't Christians. And I don't blame them. Think of it from their perspective--I'm leaving a world of wealth behind to go and spend my life teaching about something they don't even believe in. To them, I'm sure, it's the equivalent of me saying "I'm quitting my job to go become one of Santa's elves." And what about my future family? Sure, I'm choosing to be a Pastor--but they're not. Is it fair to drag them into a lifestyle that I have chosen for myself? A lifestyle that for them will be no doubt exceedingly difficult? -- when it would be so easy for me to just continue on and be a successful businessman, affording them all of the luxuries they could imagine to their heart's content?

And so as this ultimate deadline draws nearer--where I leave this behind and start my study to become a Pastor--and as the reality is starting to set in as to what I'm going to be embarking on in less than a year--I'm doing what I've always done. I'm getting scared. I'm backing off. I'm in the couring position. And I'm close to saying, "No. I can't do it. I just can't."

There was an emptiness as I looked over that prayer journal last night. A profound sadness as I looked at all of those missed opportunities. In many ways I was mad at myself. Mad at myself for never taking that step, for never abandoning all and following God.

I don't want that to happen again. But I wouldn't be honest if I ended this post with a positive twist, a message that "everything will be alright, I'll make it through." I'm sure I will, but that's not how I feel right now. It's not that I'm doubting God. I don't doubt God. And it's not that I'm doubting His will for my life. I'm not doubting his will for my life. I have been more sure of that then anything else. I know where God wants me, and I have not doubted that since that day in August.

I guess, ultimately, the thing that I'm doubting is...myself.

"Me? Really? Are you sure?"

God, help me get over myself.

A Gentle Reminder

Recently God has been giving me a lot of those moments -- I call them "Gentle Reminders" -- that He's around. Those moments when you're reminded, once again, that He is there, and that He loves you and that He cares for you.

They've come at some pretty interesting times in some pretty interesting places...at 4:00am as I'm walking into my hotel room in New York...at 9:00 p.m. as I'm packing up for the day...at 8:00 am when I'm getting ready...

They're not much. There's no sound of trumpets or calls of angels, no dramatic "come to Jesus" moments.

But they're unmistakeable and oh, so real.

It's a nudge. A whisper. A skipped heartbeat. A twinkle of light. A gentle push from behind. A soft breeze or a sweet aroma.

It's these things that cause our hearts to dance with joy. It is as if for a moment--only a brief moment--God unviels for us what He has prepared for us. As if this world disappears and Heaven gets to shine through--if only for a second.

It's in these moments that I'm reminded of what I'm living for, and where I'm headed.

I can't wait to get there.

Baidu

Here's a picture of me in the LA Times. Pretty cool, huh?

(No religious message. I just wanted to share that I was in the paper. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll use it in some sermon sometime, though.)

Rethinking Sin

The author of Hebrews writes that, "We do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in all points like as we are, yet without sin" (Hebrews 4:15). In 2 Corinthians, Paul says that "God made him who had no sin to be [a] sin [offering] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21).

The belief that Jesus was without sin is a necessary belief of the Christian faith. If Christ sinned while on earth, He couldn't be the blameless sacrificial lamb that humankind needed to atone for our sins. If He committed even one sin in his life then my faith is without reason. I am not guaranteed salvation for accepting him as my savior.

Yet for as long as I can remember, there are a few stories in Jesus' life that I have struggled to fit within this belief--by all accounts they appear to be sinful actions that Christ committed.

In fact, even a casual study of the gospels does not show a savior that is a perfect picture of what we think as the typical way a Christian should act. Christ seemed to rebel against society. He angered many by his words and actions. He was not the poster child for a church-going conservative. As one commentator noted, "he was no James Dobson."

There are two incidents in particular that I've had a hard time with. The first is recounted in Luke 2, when Jesus is twelve years old and stays behind in Jerusalem after Passover while His parents continue on to Nazareth to go back home. His parents realized a day after traveling that He was not with them. They went back to Jerusalem and searched three days for Jesus before they found Him in the temple. When asked where He had been, Jesus replied, "Didn't you know I'd be in my Father's house?" (Luke 2:49).

I know one thing: if I had pulled that on my parents, it would have been a sin. I would have disobeyed the "honor thy father and mother" commandment, and would have felt guilty about it for days. So does that mean the young Jesus committed a sin?

Or how about when Jesus was in the temple (Matthew 21)? After his triumphal entry into Jerusalem, Jesus went to the temple and "drove out all who were buying and selling there." That's not so bad, you say? Well listen to what our Savior did next: "He overturned the tables of the money changes and benches of those selling doves" (Matthew 21:12).

Destroying property, vandalism, disturbing the peace--that surely is sinful, isn't it?

I did some of my own research on this, and found answers that were wholly unsatisfactory. They were adequate, but only worked to come up with a lame excuse why Jesus was able to do this. One argued, for example, that Jesus was absent-minded, and didn't realize His parents were heading to Nazareth and that is why He stayed around in Jerusalem. An absent-minded messiah? I hope not.

No matter how you look at it, these actions of Christ do not fit within the mainstream church's view of what is sinful and not. You can come up with cute little ways with how we can justify them, but in the end those are merely unsatisfying excuses meant as a way for the "absent-minded" believer to sit back and go, "OK, that sort of makes sense. I guess so." I can't, however, swallow them. Does that mean then that my faith is all for naught? That I should just give it up?

I can't do that. I have been a first hand witness to the power of Christ in my own life. I know how He has transformed the lives of me and those around me. In fact, it would take more faith for me not to believe in Christ. And so I must seek another answer. And I think I have found one that is really revolutionary for my own faith, and has caused me to rethink what sin really is.

For years sermons have been taught on the verse that says that "God is love" (I John 4:16). Almost invariably when a speaker speaks on this, he stops the audience and causes them to really think about the verse. Modern-day society has a very perverted idea of what "love" is, influenced by a mainstream media that has it all wrong. When we think of our definition of love, and then think that God is supposed to represent that, we come away with a very deficient view of God.

What we are often told by the minister, however, is that we can't define God by our view of love. Instead, we must put together everything that we know about God, and define love as that. God defines love, not vice versa. Love is characterized by God. Once we see it that way, we come away with a better understanding of what love is supposed to be.

In the same way, when I think about sin, I can't think about sin as the way that the world (or even the church) defines it. If I believe that Christ is the messiah, and I believe that the messiah was without sin, that I have to define sin as being anything that is apart from Christ--anything that Christ wouldn't do. And anything that Christ did, I have to view as not sinful.

Thinking about sin that way necessarily transforms how we think about it. The modern-day definition of sin is a series of "do's" and "don'ts" of "wills" and "won'ts." Basically, if I go throughout the day and serve as a "model citizen," avoid cussing, disturbing peace, getting drunk, looking lustfully at women, stealing, cheating, etc. then I have "avoided" sin for that day.

I don't think that God, however, views sin as such. I'm not convinced that He has a master set of rules and regulations, and puts a check mark next to every single "violation" that we have committed. I don't think it's as black and white as that.

Christ says to us that "whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother" (Matthew 12:50). In fact that is why Christ came to earth: "For I have not come down from Heaven to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me" (John 6:38). Not sinning, therefore, and being like Christ, is to do the will of God. Sinning is to do anything apart from that.

This, of course, leaves room for much in terms of "grey areas" of sin. It is as not cut and dry as sin is usually thought of and, in fact, as we humans like. We like lists. We like to know the 5 or 10 things we should or shouldn't do. And in fact, I don't think it's wrong to help out a new Christian by telling him the things that he should or shouldn't do. An immature Christian might not realize that certain things take him away from God or are against God's will and might have bad habits from his previous life that need to be stopped.

But as one becomes more mature in the walk, I believe there is more freedom allowed in the Christian life. Isn't that one of the reason Christ came? To free us from the law?

Paul himself makes reference to this in Romans.

Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean. If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died. Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men. Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall. ~ Romans 14:13-21

We are called, therefore, to act and behave in a way that does God's will and helps others find out about Christ. This will be different for each of us. For some, drinking will be sinful as it causes one to fall away from the Lord or others to think less of the Christian--and thus less of God. For others, drinking will be completely acceptable and it is not outside of God's will to enjoy a glass of wine.

When we are able to view sin as not a series of lists, then, but a way of living that is apart from God, we are able to look again at the actions of Christ in a new light. And we are able to clearly see how they are not sinful, but instead are the actions of someone fulfilling God's will.

So why did Jesus seemingly disobey his parents and stay behind in a temple? The easy answer is because God wanted him to. Perhaps He saw it as a way to allow Jesus to learn more about Him. Perhaps He wanted Mary and Joseph to understand who Jesus belonged to--that He was a child of God, and not earthly parents. Maybe he wanted Jesus to be able to witness to the Pharisees in the temple. Maybe Jesus was going to catch a cold on the way to Nazareth if He left when His parents did. (OK, that last one was far-fetched, but you get what I mean.) The point was Jesus was so in tune with the will of His Father that God asked Jesus to stay back--and He did.

Now His parents didn't understand that, and the Bible tells us so. They were not as in tune with God, and maybe just didn't "get it." And that leads us to the most telling part of the incident. After Jesus realized that his parents truly didn't not understand what Jesus was doing, Jesus "went down to Nazareth and was obedient to them" (Luke 2:51)! After He saw that His actions did not, perhaps, have the desired affect on his parents--that they saw it as being disobedient when perhaps Jesus had hoped they would have a different reaction--He went back and did what He was told. In order to better serve His God, Jesus realized at that time that He had to serve His parents. They were not as mature in their faith as He would have hoped. And so Jesus obliged.

Most modern day twelve-year olds couldn't get away with what Jesus did. For most of them, to stay back while their parents were leaving would be dishonoring "thy father and mother." Most modern-day twelve year olds also are not the messiah. But there is a real-life application for this. As we grow older and more mature, there may be times when disobeying our parents is in the will of God for us. Perhaps our parents want us to be a certain profession, and we feel strongly that God is calling us in another direction. What are we to do in that case? Are we to wait until they "pass on" to pursue God's will for our life? I would hope not! Instead, in these instances, we might have to disobey our parents to follow God's will. That doesn't mean we have to dishonor them and go about God's will disrespectfully. But it does mean that God's will has to take precedence over theirs. Jesus, being God, was just able to learn that at a younger time in His life than most of us.

In the temple incident later in His life, Jesus knew that the way to reach the people who were defiling it by their merchandising--and make a stand for what is right--He had to react as He did. Being God, He knew that "civil disobedience" wasn't going to work in this instance. What these people were doing was abhorrent in the eyes of His father. And the way to have the maximum impact and, indeed, to do God's will, was to root out evil when and where He saw it.

In fact, I see these actions as proof that Jesus was the Son of God. God loathes the defiling of what is Holy. And if Jesus hadn't overturned these tables, God would have sent a storm that would have. Remember, the same God who wiped out Sodom and Gomorrah is the same God that was present in Christ. And where no one faults God for doing what He did in Sodom, no one should fault Jesus for detesting what the merchants were doing to the temple.

What does that mean, then? Is there room in the Christian life for anger, for behavior such as this? Normally, not. But I believe Jesus shows us that in the right circumstance that there is. Sometimes God calls His people to stand up in a dramatic way for what is right. There is room for name-calling (as Jesus did when he called the Pharisees hypocrites) and destruction, provided that it is done with the right intent, in the right frame of mind, with God's blessing, against such detestable acts as what was going on in the temple and in the hearts of the Pharisees.

Thus, I have now come to believe that to do God's will sometimes requires behavior that other people might not "approve" of--or that they even might find as "sinful"--provided that the Holy Spirit is calling us to do it.

But that comes with a huge warning. The discernment of knowing whether such a call is truly from the Holy Spirit is reserved for only the most mature of Christians. And under normal circumstances, no Christian should believe that they are being called to "sin." And, in fact, I think anything that the Bible clearly spells out as sins are always forbidden.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. ~ Galatians 5:19-21

I, and most people I know, could not do what Jesus did without committing a sin. The rest of the world has a standard by which Christians are supposed to behave, and I believe that it is our obligation as Christians to follow that standard. That is what we are called to do. After all, "It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall." To not uphold what the world thinks as acceptable Christian behavior causes others to stumble and therefore is sinful.

But I also believe that as we mature in our Christian walk we will come upon times with which there is no clear verse in the Bible as to what to do. There might come a point where we have to choose between honoring our parents and honoring God. Or we might be faced with such deplorable disrespect of God that turning the other cheek will do less for His Kingdom than calling out those people for their detestable behavior. In those times, no decision should be made without much prayer and study. And if after all of that we still come to the conclusion that God is calling us to take a particular step in one direction or another, we must be willing to follow God's will no matter what the cost.

It is His will that we do that. To do anything less would be a sin.

Found by You

by Across the Sky

I've been looking for some answers here
Searching harder for a new way there
I'm still walking all alone
And I don't think I'll make it home, but...
There is something that I know for sure

You brought me out here on my own
To find my way through things unknown
I know that I can't make it without You
When days are long and skies are grey
I'll walk with You, You lead the way
Some say that I am lost, but that's not true
'Cause really I am found by You

Things they seem a little clearer now (seem so clear)
Found the right direction here somehow (right direction here)
Fear is gone and trust is new
So, I don't care what others do
I will give up anything I have

You brought me out here on my own
To find my way through things unknown
I know that I can't make it without You
When days are long and skies are grey
I'll walk with You, You lead the way
Some say that I am lost, but that's not true
'Cause really I am found by You

Sometimes I can't feel (feel You near)
Is this life for real? I need to know
I'm running out of hope
I'm running out of time
I need You to remind me of Your love

You brought me out here on my own
To find my way through things unknown
I know that I can't make it without You
When days are long and skies are grey
I'll walk with You, You lead the way
Some say that I am lost, but that's not true
'Cause really I am found by You

-----
I think that sums it up pretty well. - cdw

The Jesus Movement

I haven't had much to do recently, and so I started searching the internet a bit. After looking up the history of butter and learning all there is to know about Guy Hawkes, I started looking at church websites, another hobby of mine. After going to the usual church sites I frequent (to read various church bulletins and what-not) I stumbled across Calvary Chapel's website and started to read about the late 1960's / early 1970's "Jesus Movement."

In case you don't know, the "Jesus Movement" was movement that started in Southern California and spread across the United States that was a bit of a "revival," reaching out to younger people in the hippie and drug culture that was starting to permeate Orange County. Led by Chuck Smith and then others, the couple-year movement gained national media attention and really was the start of the modern-day "megachurch."

In my brief study, I realized that the "Jesus Movement" was not without its flaws and flawed people, and that some of it bordered on the Pentecostal and Charismatic which I do not agree with. But it helped change the face of Christianity, and many of the generation of my parents came to Christ as the result of the direct or indirect infleunce of this movement.

That started me thinking about how my desire to desparately "Jesus Movement" in this generation. That led me to ask myself, "what would a Jesus Movement now look like?" The answer, at least from perspective, is very complex.

In the 1960's and 70's, counter-culture was all the rage. Young people were lashing out against the government, against their parents, against the so-called "establishment." All of these groups, they felt, had done nothing but lie to them. They had left them in a world that was in chaos, admist war and uncertainty. The ways of their parents had obviously failed, and they were seeking anything that would provide them with the truth.

The modern-day youth generation, however, is drastically different, at least in appearance, from that group of "lost" people. I can only speak from personal experience, but my generation doesn't hold the same grudge against our parents that others have. For the most part, we get along with them, admire and respect their accomplishments, and in many ways aspire to provide for our kids the same quality of life that our parents provided for us.

We, for the most part, are spoiled. Since day one, we have been given everything that we have ever wanted or could ask for. We have been raised in affluence and have embraced it. We dress in expensive clothes, drive expensive cars, and buy expensive things. We are a consumer society bent on always looking good and feeling good. We are pampered, constantly told how gifted we are, and afforded all of the luxuries we want. We abhor feeling left-out and outcast, and do whatever we can to "fit in" with society. We are used to "having it all" and work hard to maintain that.

What is the most surprising about my generation, I feel, is the fact that most of us have been raised with and have been accepting of a particular faith. Many of us have been raised in the church and born to believe in God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and everything else. We have gone to church most Sundays for our entire life, and, in fact, remember those times fondly--if not even yearning for a return to those times.

We actually are a generation of believers. Although many leave the "church life" when we get to college, we still attend--often without fuss or fight--when we're back at home on a weekend. And we're not really that against going on a Sunday if a friend invites us. Many, still, even go to church on a semi-regular basis in college, it being an accepted start to the week. We attend Bible studies during the week, and keep the Bible as a book in our collection. And if someone mocks Christianity in a conversational setting, we often times come to its rescue, if only with a "hey, man, that's not very cool."

But our Christianity is not the one of old. We have adopted a new brand of Christianity that is best described as "consumer Christianity." It is Christianity via Madison Avenue rather than Jersalem. Christianity with a Prada purse--or with a Jack and Coke.

We champion--and know by heart--the promises of the Bible. The promises of salvation, of forgiveness from sins, of freedom from worry are all ones that we quote, well, religiously. Christianity is a convenient thing that "fits" into our lifestyle. For a generation that has been raised with schedules, with planned activity after planned activity, Christianity fits neatly on a Sunday morning, or, if we're super religious, a Wednesday night, too.

If anybody asks us, we're saved, no doubt. "But," and this is the key, "but we still have a long way to go."

My generation is a generation that wants it all, and we have constructed for ourselves a faith that grants us that. It is a faith of forgiveness without the repentance. It is, as one of my friends says tongue-and-cheek, a faith that prays "Forgive me, Father, for I will sin." Gone is the faith that requires a radical change in lifestyle, or giving it all and following Christ, and instead we have a faith that ensures us salvation while allowing us to carry out our own desires and ambitions.

And so we get drunk on a Saturday and appear in church on a Sunday. We engage in lewd acts of premarital sex on Friday night that we feel bad about Saturday morning. We promise to "change" and to "refocus" on what is important every Sunday night before the week starts--and then surround ourselves with--and even seek out--temptation on Thursday. And we bring a beer to the Wednesday night Bible study so we can get started on our partying early.

Mine is a generation that has lost its way without knowing it--and is in danger of never finding it again.

Now I need to say that by no means am I judging my generation as a generation that is unsaved. I do not and I have no right to question the salvation of anybody who says that they have received Christ as their savior. I believe firmly that if you "confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead you shall be saved" (Romans 10:9). And I always take people at face value--and if they said that they have received Christ, then I have no reason to doubt that they have.

But I cannot imagine that the lives that many out of my generation are living is the life that Jesus intended. I cannot believe that this is what he had in mind when he said "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24). And thus my generation desparately needs its own "Jesus Movement."

But again, what would that look like?

I believe, like any revival movement, that the new "Jesus Movement" would start with a revival of the heart. I think many have turned away from the Christianity that Jesus has in mind because we never truly have witnessed what that's like. We have received everything that we ever wanted from our parents. We have never been in want. And as long as we're able to keep on feeding our desires with the latest and greatest, we never even get a chance to realize that the one thing we really are missing, that which will truly satisfy us, is Christ and Christ alone. Having never been in want, we don't know how needy we really are, and any of the "holes" we really do have, we cram our own customized faith in there to give our life meaning--cramming Christ in the corners, if you will. We fool ourselves, therefore, into thinking that we are truly "Purpose Driven"--without ever being "Spirit Led." And the first cannot occur without the second.

A "Jesus Movement," then would have to be different from those in the past. It wouldn't take the form of traditional evangelistic meetings, with an "altar call" at the end of the meeting. My generation won't respond to that--we've already all done that. It would have to begin in the Church, but a radically changed church. Sermons today are too easy for the current "consumer" Christian to attend church without being changed. They are focused on feel-good "universal" messages that anyone can relate to. "Want to have a better marriage? Well, be nicer to your wife. Spend time with her. If you're a Christian, that's a plus. But no matter what, do these five things and stuff will be better."

Instead, churches would need to refocus on Christ. On who He is, on what He did, and what He still does for one's life. It would have to realistically deal with the struggles of a Christian life, Christ's suffering, and our suffering as a result of being a Christian. And it would have to deal with the hard sayings of Christianity--the ones we tend to gloss over in the modern day faith, such as denying oneself, taking up the cross, and deciding to leave everything behind to follow Christ. Church would have to be reformed and resist becoming the comfortable houses of affirmation that they currently are. Sin will need to be discussed frankly and truthfully, and the punishment of sin openly and honestly.

In the end, Church will have to refocus on what its aim should be all along--to form true disciples of Christ rather than passive observers of His ministry.

This will ultimately require the modern-day Christian to make a choice every Sunday--am I serving Christ or am I persecuting Him? Am I hammering home His truths in my life--or am I hammering another nail into the cross? In other words, am I cultivating a deeper relationship with him?

One thing I know about my generation is that it is one of fitting in. And if the most influential of my generation start truly giving their lives to the Lord, then this whole revival will spread like wildfire. If the trendsetters of an organization start setting a trend for Christ, a whole organization will be transformed. And if people are truly turned on to the power of the transformation of Jesus, there is no stopping where it will lead.

My generation is a gifted one, one that God has blessed with many talents. All we need is a spark to get started. Let us start reforming our churches, refocusing our ministries, and repurposing our message to glorify the One who is owed all the glory. Let us all make our decision for Christ, first, and cause others to rethink theirs. Let us be the salt of the earth and the light of the world.

Let us move for Jesus--and let the Jesus Movement begin.

One Year

What a year.

One year ago today--July 19, 2004--I was sitting in an auditorium in New York being "Welcome-ed" to my company. I was bright-eyed, for the most part well rested, and eager to begin this new career and this new phase in my life.

For the year leading up to that day, I had become lazy. Really lazy. In college, the constant rush and speed of my first few years had grown to a sense of complacency and restlessness. Granted, I was having a great time, but I was bored. I realized that I didn't need to work as hard as I was working and could still maintain great grades (although I still probably worked more than most) and that I could do a marginal job in the extracurricular activities that I was in and still get credit for them with minimal effort. I had really adopted the "frat guy" attitude and personality, and realized that as my college time was so limited I needed to really begin enjoying it.

A lot of things therefore suffered that last year of college. My drive and motivation became very minimal. My work ethic was shot. And most importantly my faith--which had sustained me and set me apart from the group my freshman year of college--waned. I was still going to church every Sunday and, heck, I even help to start a small Bible study in my fraternity, but my like most things in my life I had grown complacent in it and was content to be an observer in my faith rather than an active participant.

I knew from the beginning that my job was going to be tough. I knew that it was going to shake me out of my laziness in terms of my drive, motivation, and work ethic and require me to really snap back into my freshman year of college mode where I was so eager and tying to make a name for myself. I knew it would entail long hours and some sleepless nights. I knew all that.

What I didn't know, however, was the profound effect it would have on my faith.

I can never begin to know God's will. As hard as I try, it will probably not make a lot of sense to me. I can suppose what God wanted me to do. I felt at the end of college he was telling me to go to seminary school right away. I still think that might have been the case--but am not convinced. And as I reflect more and more on this past year and what I have learned from it, I have become less and less sure that God really didn't want me here all along.

This has been the hardest year of my life. It's been hard for a vast majority of reasons. But for the first time in my life I have done something that isn't easy. School was always easy. Sure, I stressed out a lot and worried a lot, but at the end of the day it was an easy endeavor. My extracurricular activities were easy. They required a little effort to keep them going, and being "good enough" rewards about the same benefits as truly excelling in it. Easy.

This, however, has been anything but easy. For the first time I have been in a job that hasn't come natural to me. I have had to face the feeling of being inadequate in what I do. For the first time I haven't been in control of my own schedule. In the past if I was busy it was basically my own fault--I took on too much, and if I wanted to be less busy all I had to do was say "no" or get out, and it would be taken care of.

For the first time in my life I have had to work hard. Harder than I ever wanted or ever thought possible.

And as a result of this experience, God has tested me and stretched me in ways I have never thought possible, and the lessons taught me this past year has been a veritable "Who's Who" of skills that God requires his disciples to know.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ~ Galations 5:22-23

I can look to each of these "fruits" in my own life and see how they have either matured or were planted because of this job--often times not without much struggle, fight and pushback from me. As a result of this experience, God has continued to mold me and shape me in the person he ultimately wants me to be. He has taught me, probably more than anything, that my joy and foundation in life cannot come from external situations--as was their source for so much of my life--and instead has to come from inward--from the Holy Spirit inside of me. I finally have come to understand what Paul means when he says

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. ~ Phil 4:12-13

Now, I'm not saying that I always am content in every situation--but I know what Paul is getting at here, and I can only aspire to be truly able to say this myself. I'm closer now than I was a year ago.

Was I ready to enter seminary school last Fall? I don't know. I don't know if I could have handled it. I don't know if I had grown out of my "old ways" enough. I don't know if I would have been as effective as I believe I can be now as a result of this experience. It just very well might be that this was indeed God's plan for my life all along.

Regardless of whether or not I ended up where I was suppossed to end up is a pointless game that will prove "fruitless." The fact is that I am here now, and that I must be focused on getting the most out of my time here.

A year ago I had no idea how my life would have progressed up until this point. And equally so, I have no idea where I will be on July 19, 2006. But no matter where I end up, I do know one thing--that if I forget what is behind--and strain toward what is ahead--I will no doubt be closer to that goal.

It's taken me a whole year to figure that out...

What a year, indeed.

Losing Control

I can increasingly feel myself losing control.

Every day, every passing moment, I can feel myself losing control of my thoughts, of my actions, of my desires and of my will and losing control of myself.

I would say slowly but surely I can feel God taking over, but that's not accurate. It's definitely not slowly. It's rapidly, and I would almost say too rapidly.

I prayed a while ago that God would make me one of his disciples. It was after reading Dallas Willard's The Divine Conspiracy, where Willard challenges the reader--dare I say cautiously--that that should be our prayer. And that is what I prayed. And I don't know if I was prepared for God to answer it.

It is an awesome experience. Sometimes I can feel my heart bursting with love--love for the people that are around me, and a desire to let them know about Jesus. It is a wild ride that I hope won't end. The thrill of thinking that day-by-day, moment-by-moment, God is turning me into something like himself is so exhilirating to think about. And I want so much to shout it from the rooftops how much my Savior means to me.

And then this is where the resistance begins. This is where the hesitation starts.

Because at the end of the day I don't have anybody I can tell this to. I don't have anybody to tell because I don't know if anyone will understand. I'm afraid of turning people off to me, of losing my friends. Some will think I've lost it, that I've taken this Christianity thing to the extreme and finally gone off the deep end. They won't get it, they'll be turned off to it. I'm even afraid of how those closest to me will respond.

And so I'm caught in this awkward spot...a desire to go forward and lose more control...but no one to share it with. A desire to give it all to Jesus...but a fear of who I'll lose by doing so.

What do I choose? Where do I go?

Ultimately, I know there is only one answer.

Jesus said that, "any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot by my disciple" (Luke 14:33). Everything. Friends. Family. Loved ones. Anything that causes me to stumble in my faith, anything that holds me back from following Jesus, I must be prepared to give up in order to follow him. That doesn't mean I will be required to give them up. It just means that I might be asked to and willing to if asked.

Because in the end only one thing can matter.

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him ~ Phil 3:7-9

And that is why "Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Phil 3:13-14).

Father, help me to become Your disciple. Help me to be willing to leave it all behind to follow You. And help me to proclaim it from the rooftops to anybody who will listen, for

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. ~ Matt 5:14-16

Help me, Father, lose control daily.

The All Nighter

So I never did end up pulling that all nighter last night.

But it looks like I will tonight.

And you know what? I'm OK with that. Strangely, I'm OK with that.

Ever since I started having a new attitude about this job--purposely, consciously started having a new attitude about this job--things have turned up. I'm not working any less, I still have a lot to do, and still won't get a break for quite some time, but strangely, things are looking up.

I've started to see God in my job and throughout it all. I've started to see a point in it all. So what if I work a lot? So what if I'm up late? Does me being here late make this experience any less "holy"? Sure, I need rest. Yes, I'm tired...but the longer I'm up the more oppotunity I have to experience God.

That has been the most significant change over the last few days--trying to see Him wherever I am. If I truly focus on that--and believe me, I forget a TON--then this whole experience becomes almost bearable. Almost.

Of course, we'll see what I have to say tomorrow at 4:00 p.m., when I've been up for 33 hours straight.

The End of the World

I think I may know what Jesus feels like.

I'm at a meeting right now that is going to produce a lot of work tonight, and the later this meeting goes on, the longer I will have to be up tonight. Currently I'm already looking to almost an all nighter as we have a meeting on Friday that materials are due for. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude (per my previous post), but this meeting is somewhat maddening. It's like the world is ending and I am the only one who knows about it. Everyone is enjoying themselves talking in these meetings, we just had a great lunch in an awesome cafeteria, we took a tour of this campus with a gym, basketball courts, running trails, etc. It's a beautiful day and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, "don't you understand? The world is about to end. There's so much that we need to do." But no one will listen.

I wonder if that's how Jesus feels when He looks at us, not caring or focusing on the eternal. "Don't you understand? You're sitting around, idly. I'm coming soon. You need to get serious, because when it hits you're not going to have anymore time. You need to get started focusing now. Time is running out..."

The Job

From yesterday's "My Utmost for His Highest":

A spiritually vigorous saint never believes that his circumstances simply happen at random, nor does he ever think of his life as being divided into the secular and the sacred. He sees every situation in which he finds himself as the means of obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ, and he has an attitude of unrestrained abandon and total surrender about him. The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and He will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do...Whatever we may be doing-- even eating, drinking, or washing disciples' feet-- we have to take the initiative of realizing and recognizing Jesus Christ in it.

I don't think it's any secret that I don't like my job. I work really bad hours, have very little free time, and am in on average 1.5 days during the weekend. When most people are going home at around 5-6, I have just reached the halfway point in my day. My schedule is extremely unpredictable. One day I could have nothing to do; the next I am in until 4:00 a.m.

It's no secret that I don't like it because I tell everyone. Constantly. My number one hobby is complaining about my job. I probably spend 30% of every conversation that I have complaining about it--about how miserable I am, how much I don't like it, and how much I want out. I hit my 50% of the way done point on Sunday and I told the whole world about it. Closer to the finish than to the start--a great feeling.

But when I read that quote, above, I realize that I'm not doing my Christian duty by complaining about my job. I used to think that this job was against God's will for my life. I think maybe originally it was. But now that I'm here, and have come to "terms" with it, I realize that staying in this job, and seeing it through to completion, is God's new will for my life--His backup plan for right now. And I have a responsibility to serve Him here.

I don't think that this job will ever get better until I have a change in my attitude. I haven't been in this job living it to the fullest. I need to begin to change my outlook on it, and see it as an opportunity to serve Him. "He sees every situation as the means of obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ." Am I really doing that in this job? No, I'm not. And I don't think that God is going to make it any easier until I start to: "...and he will bring us back to the same point over and over again until we do."

I think that once I truly have that attitude shift--and truly see this job as a way to glorify Christ--it will make this experience the best experience of my life--and can make this job the most exciting and exhilarating job ever. After all, this is an "experience" that sometimes lasts 100 hours a week. It is an "experience" that takes up 16-18 hours a day on average. If I were to spend each minute of every day here finding a way to glorify God--finding a way in my daily mundane tasks to focus on "obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ" then they might have to tear me from the walls to get me to leave.

So I am going to begin to focus on having an "attitude of unrestrained abandon and total surrender about him" in this job. I am going to begin to focus on seeing him in every task, every chore, every assignment, every staffing and every conversation. It's not going to be easy, but it's going to be exciting. If my goal is to get closer to him, when better to start than now?

"...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings..." ~ Phil 3:10