Faith

"God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." ~ Genesis 22:8

How did Abraham say that? I wish I could have been there to hear him. Hiding in the shrubs on the side of the mountain, watching them walk up to what was to be Isaac's certain doom, I wish I could have witnessed this moment, and heard Abraham's voice and saw Abraham's reaction as his son asked him "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?" (Genesis 22:9).

We are told that Abraham, the man of myth, the man of legend, the father of three world religions, looked into his son's eyes, and with assurance and certainty and a voice that would echo through the ages replied "God himself will provide."

But what about Abraham, the man? What about Abraham, the father? How did he respond?

Was he able to look at his son, God's promise to him, with that same certainty? Or did he instead look to the ground sheepishly, avoiding his son's thoughtful, inquisitive gaze? Better yet--did he look to the heavens and say it as a prayer? Did his voice choke or crackle?

I'd like to think--and it might be just that, wishful thinking--but I'd like to think that he didn't say it with the certainty that maybe we've been taught. Instead, I'd like to think there was doubt. Perhaps not spoken, but in the back of his mind, I'd like to think that he was saying to God, "God, I sure hope you know what you're doing."

I'd like to think that Abraham was a little less like the man of fairytales, and a little bit more like, well, Chris.

That, of course, brings us to a larger question. What kind of faith does God reward? What does God ask for in faith? Is it absolute certainty? Unbridled passion?

The Bible tells us that "faith without works is dead" (James 2:26). But what about the reverse? What is works without faith? Futile? Disrespectful? Or "good enough"?

What if intellectually you're not all there--but behaviorally, you are? If you embark on a quest that God is calling you on and you're heart isn't exactly with it, but you do it anyway? Does God look favorably upon that? Or is that what faith is--acting out despite everything else?

Abraham was finally able to say "The Lord Will Provide" (Genesis 22:14). But did he believe that the whole time? As he held the knife above Isaac's head, and prepared to bring it down, did he do it with the same swift movement that you and I might employ to sit in our favorite chair, confident that it will support us? Or was there hesitation?

Did God reward Abraham because he went through with it despite his doubts? Or did he reward Abraham because there was an absence of doubts?

Was Abraham truly like the man of legends?

...or was he a little bit more like one of us?

So Abraham called the place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided." ~ Genesis 22:14

The Race

Things are kind of hard right now. A lot in my life is changing. Things around me are happening faster than I can comprehend, and in many ways I feel kind of lost amidst it all.

In many ways this past month (or has it been longer? I can't recall anymore) has been one of the most difficult months I've ever had--but difficult in a somewhat good way. In many ways I have been forced to face head-on a lot of things in my life and determine where I fall in all of it.

One of the things that I have been the most cognizant of this past year is my faith. Through a series of things, God has caused me to face head on this issue of faith. And he has brought me to a clear threshold: whether or not I'm going to "live by faith," and truly give it up to God, or whether I'm going to continue along my own path and do what I want to do and follow my own ambitions, aspirations, etc. (And, by the way, this is completely independent of whether or not I go to seminary school next year.) God's at the other side of the threshold and, lovingly, asking me to step across and rely on him.

I like what Chambers said. "God may bring me up to this point 365 times a year, but he cannot push me through it. It means breaking the the hard outer layer of my individual independence from God, and the liberating of myself and my nature into oneness with Him; not following my own ideas, but choosing absolute loyalty to Jesus" (see previous post).

God has brought me to that point several times over the past month. And although every time I pray "God use me," my heart is not there because I fear what He is going to ask me to do once I finish the prayer. What if he asks me to .... ?

What I have realized is that I love my own life more than Christ's. I love my own comfort, my own things, my own dreams and my own ambitions. I am not at that point yet where I can sacrifice everything over to Him. I don't have the faith to do it.

But I am learning. And I am seeking. And I would argue to say that I am further along than I was six months ago, further along than I was three months ago, further along than I was a week ago. It's hard. I have learned that faith is not easy. It is, as Paul says, a race--a race that needs to be run with the intensity to win it (see 1 Cor 9:24).

And so I'm working on it. God has brought to my heart these past few weeks several things that need to be worked on--areas in my life that I need to focus on. I'm working on those, too. It's funny how the closer I feel like I am growing to God, the further away I realize I have been from Him.

I've realized that things like this--the transformation of character, the rearranging of the entire way I have lived my life for the past 23 years--takes time. Despite my desire that "God get it over with quickly," I need to learn to be patient. God has given me some amazing gifts, but it means that it is all that much harder to rip those gifts away from my own desires and aspirations and instead give them to Him.

I'm not there yet. But I'm learning.

"Forgetting what is behind...straining toward what is ahead..." ~ Phil 3:13

"My Utmost for His Highest"

Today's devotion from Oswald Chambers:

A Bondservant of Jesus

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me... ~ Galatians 2:20

These words mean the breaking and collapse of my independence brought about by my own hands, and the surrendering of my life to the supremacy of the Lord Jesus. No one can do this for me, I must do it myself. God may bring me up to this point three hundred and sixty-five times a year, but He cannot push me through it. It means breaking the hard outer layer of my individual independence from God, and the liberating of myself and my nature into oneness with Him; not following my own ideas, but choosing absolute loyalty to Jesus. Once I am at that point, there is no possibility of misunderstanding. Very few of us know anything about loyalty to Christ or understand what He meant when He said, "...for My sake" (Matthew 5:11). That is what makes a strong saint.

Has that breaking of my independence come? All the rest is religious fraud. The one point to decide is— will I give up? Will I surrender to Jesus Christ, placing no conditions whatsoever as to how the brokenness will come? I must be broken from my own understanding of myself. When I reach that point, immediately the reality of the supernatural identification with Jesus Christ takes place. And the witness of the Spirit of God is unmistakable— "I have been crucified with Christ . . . ."

The passion of Christianity comes from deliberately signing away my own rights and becoming a bondservant of Jesus Christ. Until I do that, I will not begin to be a saint.

One student a year who hears God’s call would be sufficient for God to have called the Bible Training College into existence. This college has no value as an organization, not even academically. Its sole value for existence is for God to help Himself to lives. Will we allow Him to help Himself to us, or are we more concerned with our own ideas of what we are going to be?