In many ways this past month (or has it been longer? I can't recall anymore) has been one of the most difficult months I've ever had--but difficult in a somewhat good way. In many ways I have been forced to face head-on a lot of things in my life and determine where I fall in all of it.
One of the things that I have been the most cognizant of this past year is my faith. Through a series of things, God has caused me to face head on this issue of faith. And he has brought me to a clear threshold: whether or not I'm going to "live by faith," and truly give it up to God, or whether I'm going to continue along my own path and do what I want to do and follow my own ambitions, aspirations, etc. (And, by the way, this is completely independent of whether or not I go to seminary school next year.) God's at the other side of the threshold and, lovingly, asking me to step across and rely on him.
I like what Chambers said. "God may bring me up to this point 365 times a year, but he cannot push me through it. It means breaking the the hard outer layer of my individual independence from God, and the liberating of myself and my nature into oneness with Him; not following my own ideas, but choosing absolute loyalty to Jesus" (see previous post).
God has brought me to that point several times over the past month. And although every time I pray "God use me," my heart is not there because I fear what He is going to ask me to do once I finish the prayer. What if he asks me to .... ?
What I have realized is that I love my own life more than Christ's. I love my own comfort, my own things, my own dreams and my own ambitions. I am not at that point yet where I can sacrifice everything over to Him. I don't have the faith to do it.
But I am learning. And I am seeking. And I would argue to say that I am further along than I was six months ago, further along than I was three months ago, further along than I was a week ago. It's hard. I have learned that faith is not easy. It is, as Paul says, a race--a race that needs to be run with the intensity to win it (see 1 Cor 9:24).
And so I'm working on it. God has brought to my heart these past few weeks several things that need to be worked on--areas in my life that I need to focus on. I'm working on those, too. It's funny how the closer I feel like I am growing to God, the further away I realize I have been from Him.
I've realized that things like this--the transformation of character, the rearranging of the entire way I have lived my life for the past 23 years--takes time. Despite my desire that "God get it over with quickly," I need to learn to be patient. God has given me some amazing gifts, but it means that it is all that much harder to rip those gifts away from my own desires and aspirations and instead give them to Him.
I'm not there yet. But I'm learning.
"Forgetting what is behind...straining toward what is ahead..." ~ Phil 3:13
1 comment:
Christopher, great blog! Thanks for your comment on my blog. Did you find it just by clicking on "next blog" or did someone pass the address on to you. Just curious.
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