It's All About Jesus

For whatever reason on Sunday my bus stopped well before it usually does and the driver informed us that it was going to go no further. And so everyone had to exit, and my trip to church got a heck of a lot longer.

As I journeyed on to my church, I had to walk through less "desirable" parts of San Francisco. Not bad, mind you, or dangerous, just parts of the city you wouldn't normally find someone like myself in. Homelessness is a problem in San Francisco, just like any other city, but seems to be more rampant here than I encountered when I lived in Los Angeles. And those homeless people here appear to be more helpless in their situation than those I ran into in LA.

Walking along these streets to church, it hit me the kind of life that I am signing up for as a Pastor. The majority of my church experience up until my move here has been in fairly affluent circles. EV Free may not be a "rich" church, but it is a well-off church, and a church that has over five thousand members. Friends, another church I went to in Orange County, is soon moving into a new 2500 seat building. Saddleback, which I also attend frequently, accepted pledges of over $50,000,000 in one weekend to build onto its already sprawling 150+ acre campus. And Bel Air, where I went to church while at USC, had among its regular attenders Ronald Reagan, Tori Spelling and Britney Spears.

Needless to say, my view of church has been warped, and it wasn't until living here that I realized how far out of the norm that was.

Most churches are struggling. They don't exist in wealthy neighborhoods, and don't boast memberships well into the thousands. The church I go to in SF I would consider a relatively healthy one--and it has 400 people on a Sunday at most. Most churches don't have the reach or the influence as the ones I am accostomed to. Not everyone has heard of it. And the Pastors don't write books or have TV or radio ministries. Instead, they have their hands full managing a struggling congregation.

It hit me as I made this walk that if I am going to become a Pastor, I cannot do it out of selfish reasons. I admit that I was initially drawn to the role because of my love of public speaking--and, indeed, a tool I believe God used to initially draw me. But being a Pastor is so much more than that, and that is never to be a reason why someone becomes one.

Instead, I must realize that the only reason to be a Pastor is because of a love for Christ. It's all about Jesus. If I am to become one of the ones that He chooses to lead a church, it is only because I want to follow Christ, and sacrifice everything I have for Him. That is the only thing that will sustain me through difficult times, when things aren't going the way I expect them and when I'm down. I may never have a ministry that means anything outside the walls of a small town, but I must learn to be satisfied that I am making an impact for Christ. If I am to become a Pastor, I must realize that God may even choose to ask me to sacrifice my love for public speaking--that for whatever reason, I might never ever preach a sermon the rest of my life--but that is to not hinder my desire to still follow Him and His will.

I have to be honest--that is a scary thought. For a person like me, who is used to accolades and achievement, and is able to, on my own, get quite a bit accomplished, for me to say that I am willing to sacrifice all of that for the name of Jesus, to surrender complete control of my ambitions and my desires for His will, to deny myself and follow Him, well...can I do it? Am I ready to do it? Is my love for Christ that strong?

I don't know. And I don't have the answers right now. But I'm searching. I'm always searching. And I won't give up until I find the truth.

The Touch

Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart... ~ Proverbs 3:5

I saw a scene recently that really struck me and really made me think.

I was on my way to the gym and saw a blind woman on the sidewalk waiting for a bus. Next to her side was her guide-dog--a golden retriever. As I walked past the pair, I glanced at the dog, expecting to see the woman's hands grabbing tightly onto the dog's leash. Instead, she barely appeared to be touching the dog at all. Indeed, she only had two fingers extended and they were lightly touching just a few strands of fur on the neck of the dog--she wasn't even touching the dog's skin. For the dog, I'm sure it felt as nothing more than the hint of a touch. Indeed, the dog was being held back by absolutely nothing. And, if it chose, it could run off after any car that was passing by.

Yet it didn't. It stayed right there.

I know that if I were in that woman's place, I would do everything that I could to ensure that the dog--my companion and only means of getting around--stayed right there by me. At the very least, I know that I would be gripping onto the dog's collar or leash with all my might. But, more likely, I would be sitting down on the curb right next to the dog with my hands around its neck.

What struck me as I watched this was the faith that this woman had in her dog. She knew that this dog was not going to leave her side. This faith was developed from years of experience with the dog. When she first got him, I'm sure she held onto the dog's leash, making sure it was always by her side. But as time wore on, she knew that she could trust the dog--her companion wouldn't leave her. And so, she gradually learned to loosen her grip on the leash until she had so much faith in it that she let go altogether. In fact, although I can't be certain, I would even argue to say that the reason she touched the dog so lightly was not so that she would be certain that the dog was still there--but rather to let the dog know that she was still there, so as to remind him of her presence and assure him that he wasn't abandoned. In that hint of a touch, the dog was comforted.

As I reflected this woman's faith in her dog, I started to became very ashamed of my faith in God. Like this woman, I have Something at my side that has proved Itself time and time again. A loyal Companion that has never left me through the years. And not just any Companion. I have standing next to me every day the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth. God Almighty. Ruler of all creation. The Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. The Savior. A God that has taken me through every struggle, every trial and every hard time I have ever faced in my life. "Through many troubles, toils and snares I have already come," the hymnist writes. And it is by the grace of God that I have made it through them all.

And yet, day after day, I still doubt and question. Time after time I fail to trust God. He has never given me any reason to not believe that He will be by my side. And yet I still fail Him. Constantly. I know that He will provide...and yet I fail to trust Him with my finances. I know that His will is always best...and yet I fail Him with my decisions. I know that He will give me the words when I share Him with others...and yet I fail Him with spreading the Gospel. I know that He is there. And yet I fail to lean on him and fail to let him guide me. And, instead, I wander aimlessly. I wander blindly.

Reflecting further on this, I was overwhelmed by another thing: despite my failings, I was struck by how much God still trusts me.

In many ways, I saw God as the Master, and myself as the guide-dog. But the absolute worst guide-dog man has even seen. The kind that you wouldn't trust to give to someone with 20-20 vision. A dog who runs away at the first chance he gets, the second his master lets him free--and even sometimes when he doesn't.

But God hasn't given up on me. He hasn't retired me, sent me back to the kennel, and gotten a new guide-dog. Quite to the contrary, every day He gives me more opportunities to trust Him. Even when I don't deserve it, He still lets me free.

Even though I haven't trusted Him with my finances, he gives me a paycheck every month. Even though I doubt His will, He still lets me make my own decisions. Even though I fear spreading His word to others, he still gives me daily new opportunities to tell others about Jesus.

Even though every morning I run away from Him and after the first thing that catches my eye, every night He welcomes me back with open arms and a great big hug.

If I had a dog that misbehaved as much as I do, I would tie it to a tree in my back yard with a 12-inch steel pole.

But not God. Every morning He brings me outside to the sidewalk and lets me go, leaving me free to do as I choose.

Most times I take off running and don't look back as I pursue everything that I shouldn't, leaving my God on the sidewalk, waiting for me to return.

But recently, as my faith has matured and I have grown deeper in the knowledge of God, I decide, every once in a while, to not leave so quickly or wander so far. Instead, I am learning, a little bit each day, to stay a little bit closer to the Master.

And when I do stay a bit closer to my God, something amazing happens. Ever so softly, ever so gracefully, there is a touch--not even a touch, but a gentle hint of a touch--on the back of my neck. And the closer I stay to God the more frequently this happens. It is in these times that I realized that I have received something truly special. For God has reached down, and I have felt His touch--the touch of the Master.

And in that touch, I am comforted in the thought that my God is there--and reminded again to trust in Him.

Chuck Swindoll

On Sunday I was able to see the best pastor I have ever heard before in my life, Chuck Swindoll. The former Pastor of Ev Free, Fullerton, the church I grew up in, Chuck came back for the church's 50th Anniversary to give a message that largely served as a reflection on his years at the church.

Hearing--and watching--Chuck brought a tear to my eye. I saw in that man a person who was born to preach. Undoubtedly, Chuck is a man that God called uniquely to preach His word. And there are few--I would argue none--who do it as well as Chuck.

What I admired about Chuck's preaching is that he didn't resort to gimmicks and tricks to teach the word. He didn't try for any catchy phrases or acronyms to drive home the point. Instead, he relied on the Word -- he spoke from the Word. And rather than have us fill in 15 blanks on a sheet of paper to force us to pay attention, he simply had us write four words in the margin of our Bible, and instead kept our attention the entire time with his honest preaching of the Word of God, flavored with his masterful way of bringing thoughts together.

I think the reason that it hit me the way it did is because I saw a person doing exactly what I believe I was born to do. Preach. I believe that is what God has uniquely called me for. I know there are more things to the role of a Pastor than his weekly sermon. And by God's grace I will be able to fulfill that role, as he gives me the gifts necessary. But I also know that God has already given me a unique gift. It is that gift that first drew me to the thought of the ministry, and that gift that sustains me as I think about pressing on towards that goal.

I have come to have a different attitude about my current job more over the past several months. Something changed almost instantaneously one day and I started to, in my weaker moments, even like what I'm doing. Perhaps it's that I'm more experienced. Perhaps I've had it lucky recently. Perhaps it's because I'm just phased from doing over a year of this and so I'm simply used to the lifestyle, the hours, and the unpredictability. Whatever the reason, there have been moments over the past several weeks when I've even considered doing something more in this field--and even (gasp) staying a third year.

It would probably make sense for me to work longer. Financially I would be much more stable if I worked even just one more year in this or another job. I would appease relatives and friends if I stayed and worked more. And delaying seminary school one year doesn't seem, from the outside, like that big of a deal. And considering the fact that I like it a little bit more, it would even be bearable. Perhaps even enjoyable.

But it wouldn't be fulfilling. Ultimately, there would be a longing in my heart for something more. You see, I realized on Sunday that God made me for a specific reason: he made me to preach. And it is His will for my life that I do that. And I don't think God wants us to postpone His will under any circumstances--no matter how "logical" another path might seem.

I don't know if I'll ever have a ministry as effective as Chuck's. I don't know if I will have his reach, his influence, or his skills. That is not for me to worry about (although I will from time to time). But that does not (or should not) matter. God made me to preach. When He formed me, He made me to stand in front of an audience and tell them about Jesus. I have no doubt about that. While other people my age spend their Saturday afternoons playing videogames or watching football, I spend mine crafting sermons. That's not normal. But there is nothing else I would rather do. And every morning as I ride the bus to work, I can't help but think about standing in front of a congregation, delivering a message.

I still don't know what I'm going to do next year. I'm beginning to realize that there is a right path and not-so-right path. There is what I'm supposed to do, and what I could do and still be OK. I was made to preach. But I can build financial models. I can do both pretty well. But one thing is what I was born to do. The other is what I've picked up over the years.

Father, give me the strength, the wisdom, and the courage to do what you built me to do. Like Chuck, Father, help me to preach...

Following God

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." ~ Matthew 6:33

So I just got back from a 10-day vacation. It was the first time I have really taken time off from my job since I started over a year ago. It was much needed, a great time to recoup and to refocus on what is important. Although I didn't go anywhere exotic--Orange County, back home--it was exactly what I wanted to do.

One of my "goals" during my vacation was to really focus on God's plan for my life. Per recent posts, I have been struggling with the Pastor decision in regards to timing. I know that God has called me to be a Pastor. I have no doubt about that. But I am questioning His exact timing--is it really necessary that I go right away?--and wanted to use this break to figure out God's will for the next step in my life which will begin less than 10 months from now.

God has, for some reason, chosen to deal with my very directly in life. When I was first called, I heard, quite literally, the voice of God telling me. And there are other times in my life when He has revealed things to me very distinctly. And so I faced this past week with that in mind, hoping that one day, while reading the Bible, or praying, or attending church that God would speak to me and tell me what He wanted me to do.

And so I went to church diligently--four times this past week. And I prayed. And I read the Bible. And I prayed some more, and sang songs and fell asleep reading the Bible. And yet there was no sign from God, no voice telling me what I should do, no vision making it clear.

And I sit here now, on the last day of my vacation, "preparing" for the week ahead of me, and am no further along in my decision than I was 10 days ago.

I started to get concerned about this earlier in the week. I didn't know when I would have another time like last week--and extended break where I could really focus on God's will for my life--again before I really have to make my decision. I don't want to make a decision that is against God's will. And I don't think God would me to do that either. So why didn't God choose to reveal it to me when I wanted?

It was at one point in my study this past week that God put on my heart Matthew 6:33, above. A famous verse that most Christians can quote by heart, and many non-Christians have heard of before, this passage took on new meaning for me this past week as God revealed to me something more important that whether or not He wants me to be a Pastor now or later.

I realized this past week that I was getting so caught up in God's will that I was forgetting what is most important: God, himself. I was so intent on finding out what God wants me to do that I was neglecting to find out more about God.

Whenever I read the Bible, my thoughts were focused more on "I wonder if this verse will be the verse where God chooses to tell me." Whenever I worshipped in church I was listening for that voice that first spoke to me over three years ago. Whenever I prayed, I was telling God what He needed to tell me, and not listening to God about what He wanted to tell me.

God wants us to follow His will. But that is not at the expense of following God, and that is what that verse speaks to. Sometimes we as Christians try so hard to follow what God wants us to do, or where he wants us to go that we forget that what God wants more than all of that is for us to follow Him. That He is more important that what He wants us to do or where He wants us to go. And that by following Him, He will reveal--in his time--all of these other things.

"Seek first," He says, "Seek first His kingdom and his righteousness." In other words, seek God. I need to seek God. I need to study his word without thinking what I'm going to get out of it--and instead study it to get a better understanding of God. I need to pray to God because He wants me to talk to Him. And I need to worship God because God deserves worshipping.

And God promises that as a by-product of all of this, as a result of following Him, "all these things will be given to you as well." God grants us the desires of our hearts. He gives us what we need. He reveals to us His plans for us. But that is only after we follow Him--and only Him.

Of course God wants me to know His plan for my life. And when He sees it fit He will reveal it to me in the way that He wants me to know. It might be by closing doors in one direction or another. It might be by saying nothing as I, on my own, continue along the path that I think He wants me to, thereby letting me know I'm doing what is right. Or He might choose to open up the Heavens and let me know directly. However He chooses, I will be ready--but let me work to not focus on where I'm going and instead on Him.

Let me seek, first, Him. And have confidence that in time all of that other stuff will be revealed.