2005

2005 is officially gone. It disappeared sometime last night--I'm not exactly sure when, but it was shortly after the DJ said "[expletive], it's almost 2006" and a whole crowd of sweaty, disgusting and very drunk people stopped their fornication on the dance floor for 10 brief seconds before starting 2006 much the same way they ended 2005.

Yes, 2005 is over. And in all honesty, I'm not too upset about it. 2005 doesn't hold for me a lot of great memories. In fact, as I look back on it, it definitely qualifies for the dubious distinction of being the "Worst Year of My Life So Far" and although too early to tell, might be "of All Time" for me when I reflect over my life on my eventual deathbed.

Now worst does not mean insignificant. And worst doesn't mean all bad. In fact, I think I will look back on 2005 with equal parts respect and disgust somewhere in the future. But right now, I am too close to it for that respect part--and hence the disgust.

2005 will go down as a pretty significant year in my life. I realized, perhaps not fully, but partially, the cost of following my own plans and ambitions over Christ's. I learned the pain and the heartache of not choosing God's will fully and completely. I discovered how far a Christian can get away from God by choosing to simply neglect Him. I learned what it's like to spend 365 days of your life doing something you hate. And I learned how painful it is to break up with someone you love.

I have cried more times in the past twelve months than I had in probably the 10 years before 2005. I have had, quite literally, the life sucked out of me, and have adopted a new semi-permanent posture, that with my head down and hand on my belt, waiting for that next email that will inevitably destroy another weekend.

In short, I have spent a year absolutely and utterly defeated.

And for that reason, I am more than happy to wave 2005 goodbye.

But I will not leave it behind without taking from it some very significant, very deep and very profound truths, truths that have meaningfully changed my life, truths that will aid me immeasurably in my future profession.

I have learned, more than anything, about the love of Christ. That, in and of itself, makes the year not only worth it, but makes 10 more like it completely acceptable. I have learned this year how absolutely amazing Jesus Christ is. I have learned that He loves me, just as I am, if you can believe it, and no matter how many times I run away from Him, each time He welcomes me back with open arms.

I have learned that He died for me. And I learned that even after dying for me, He wants to know me better. And I have learned that, although inexplicably I avoid getting to know Him better, getting to know Him better is freakin' awesome. I have learned there is no place like being in Christ's arms, so much so that I have found myself thanking Him for the suffering that has often brought me there so many times the past year.

I have learned this past year about faith. I have learned about it without ever having it. God has showed me the joy of trusting Him--even though I have yet to do it. He has showed me that my current state is the result of not trusting Him, and that the world will not offer anything better than this if I don't learn to finally lean on Him. And reluctantly I'm beginning.

I have learned this past year about fulfillment. And I have learned that it doesn't come from things. It doesn't matter how many things you have, or how many things you make an hour. It might put a smile on your face when you get a lot of things all at once on something they call "bonus day," but that you still have to go to work that next day to earn those things, and no matter how much you might like things and how much they may make life easier, no amount of work that you hate is worth the accumulation of more things.

I have learned this past year about sacrifice. I have learned that most things in life take some sort of sacrifice. And I have learned that some sacrifice is worth it. And some is not. Sacrificing comfort during that last half mile on the treadmill is worth it, because you feel so much better afterwards. Sacrificing a weekend to help a client determine what company they shouldn't buy (like they were going to anyway) is not worth it because it isn't fulfilling. Sacrificing a good night's sleep to take a 6:30 am flight home from New York to watch a football game is worth it because there's nothing like spending time with friends. Sacrificing a good night's sleep to prepare a pitch for a company you know nothing about is not worth it because, well, it isn't fulfilling. And pitches just create more work. They always create more work.

And I have learned this past year about love. I've learned that love hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a lot. But it's worth it. It's worth it because it's awesome when you're in love, and despite the pain that it might entail somewhere down the line, that is what you risk in love. To shy away from that risk, to keep from loving someone because you don't want to get hurt--to stand outside the fire, to quote the great philosopher Garth Brooks--is not living life the way it's meant to be lived. It's merely surviving life. And life is not meant to be survived.

And I've learned that. That's been a painful one. But an important one, and one that I will preach about through life. Life is not meant to be survived. God did not build us to go through life hanging on by our fingers. God gave us dreams, ambitions and desires, not so we could sit in our cube and be mocked by them, but instead to fulfill them. God wants us to be fulfilled. He created us--each of us--for a reason. And He wants us to fulfill that purpose. And if we do, God promises He will take care of everything else--all that other stuff that keeps us from doing it in the first place. God's got that part handled. God doesn't want anyone to have a 2005 like mine. My number one response this year when people asked me how I was doing was "Survivin'. I'm survivin'." That should never be a response. God wants us to thrive. But it's our choice as to whether or not we do. When you truly live life, you risk getting burned, but I think those scars are less painful than the ones I accumulated this year simply sitting back and "surviving."

So, what will 2006 bring? Thankfully, an end to my job. That is the only thing I am certain of--I will do everything in my power to make sure that when I walk into that building on June 30, it will be the last time I ever step foot in that place as an employee. My life, quite literally, depends on it.

Other than that, only God knows. I don't have any illusions that 2006 will be less difficult than 2005. It might bring for me more challenges, more suffering, more heartache. But 2006 will be the first year I begin to live a life of faith--wherever that may take me. And when you're performing a script written by God, one thing is for sure: you're never merely surviving. You're living life truly as it was intended. I can't wait to find out what He intends for me. I have a feeling I'll thrive in it.

Hello, 2006.