Surrendering

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. ~Luke 9:23

If I had to be honest about my struggles right now, that verse is at the center of it. More than anything else right now I am having a hard time surrendering. I am struggling with giving it all up and over to God...With realizing that it is not me, but Christ, that matters most, and letting go of my will, of my ambitions, hopes, dreams and desires...Dropping everything for the sake of Christ.

I have had a tremendous growth in faith in the past 9 months. But right now I am stalled. God has taught me so much since the beginning of this year. He has taught me so much about Himself. He has revealed to me so many truths about His love, His grace, His mercy and His awesome, AWESOME power. He has showed me everything that a life of leaning on Him is capable of.

But now He has turned it back to me. After revealing so much of Himself to me and teaching me so much about who He is, He has, I feel, essentially said, "OK, Chris. Now it's your turn. I've taught you what I want to teach you. And I'm not going to teach you anymore--for a while, at least--until you take that next step. Show Me what you've learned."

And that next step is not simply reading more of the Bible or praying more. It's not a passive relationship with Jesus. It's not just going to church and listening to Christian music. The next step, I feel, is beginning to lean on Him. It's starting the process of surrendering--of truly denying myself and giving it over to Him. Of releasing my grip on my life and my will and giving it over to God.

There has always existed in me a dichotomy. I struggle between the desire to gain the acceptance of man--to be everything to all people, to be well liked and accepted among my peers--and the desire to give it all over to God. Over most of my life, I have found that the desire to be accepted by man has won out over the desire to please God. Although there have been times when I have began the process of surrendering, I always stop myself right before I truly do that. I, myself, start to get scared when I realize that I am losing control over my own desires for Christ's. And so I stop myself, and begin to follow man again.

And thus I have never truly surrendered. I have always followed the will of Chris and never the will of Christ. I have come close, but never given it all over. God still loves me, and still will continue to, even if I spend my whole life following the will of Chris.

But that ultimately leads to an empty life, a purpose-less existence. God has far greater things plan for me. To truly give into Him, He will lead me to do things that I myself could never dream of.

But it is taking that step that frightens me...

Surrendering. Denying self. Truly giving up everything for Jesus.

Taking up my cross. Risking humiliation. Risking persecution. Risking life.

I know that when I do that, falling into Christ will be an awesome experience. I know that. I know deep in my heart it will be the most exhilarating ride. It will be exhausting. It will be difficult. It will not be without heartache, heartbreak and tears.

But being caught by Christ--the joy! Falling into the arms of the Creator! What wonderful things He will show me then! Everything I have gone through in the past 9 months will pale in comparison to what He will reveal to me when I step out into nothing with only He to catch me.

And I know that if I take that first step, the next one will be easier. And the one after that even more so. And each one will bring with it quite possibly more sorrow, and more tears, but an infinitely deeper understanding of the Maker and, ultimately, infinitely more joy.

In short, it will be awesome.

But it begins with that first step. It begins with surrendering.

To surrender self, to give it all
Is to live the life that Got has planned
To step out in faith and truly fall
Is to land in His outstretched hand