Every day, every passing moment, I can feel myself losing control of my thoughts, of my actions, of my desires and of my will and losing control of myself.
I would say slowly but surely I can feel God taking over, but that's not accurate. It's definitely not slowly. It's rapidly, and I would almost say too rapidly.
I prayed a while ago that God would make me one of his disciples. It was after reading Dallas Willard's The Divine Conspiracy, where Willard challenges the reader--dare I say cautiously--that that should be our prayer. And that is what I prayed. And I don't know if I was prepared for God to answer it.
It is an awesome experience. Sometimes I can feel my heart bursting with love--love for the people that are around me, and a desire to let them know about Jesus. It is a wild ride that I hope won't end. The thrill of thinking that day-by-day, moment-by-moment, God is turning me into something like himself is so exhilirating to think about. And I want so much to shout it from the rooftops how much my Savior means to me.
And then this is where the resistance begins. This is where the hesitation starts.
Because at the end of the day I don't have anybody I can tell this to. I don't have anybody to tell because I don't know if anyone will understand. I'm afraid of turning people off to me, of losing my friends. Some will think I've lost it, that I've taken this Christianity thing to the extreme and finally gone off the deep end. They won't get it, they'll be turned off to it. I'm even afraid of how those closest to me will respond.
And so I'm caught in this awkward spot...a desire to go forward and lose more control...but no one to share it with. A desire to give it all to Jesus...but a fear of who I'll lose by doing so.
What do I choose? Where do I go?
Ultimately, I know there is only one answer.
Jesus said that, "any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot by my disciple" (Luke 14:33). Everything. Friends. Family. Loved ones. Anything that causes me to stumble in my faith, anything that holds me back from following Jesus, I must be prepared to give up in order to follow him. That doesn't mean I will be required to give them up. It just means that I might be asked to and willing to if asked.
Because in the end only one thing can matter.
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him ~ Phil 3:7-9
And that is why "Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Phil 3:13-14).
Father, help me to become Your disciple. Help me to be willing to leave it all behind to follow You. And help me to proclaim it from the rooftops to anybody who will listen, for
Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. ~ Matt 5:14-16
Help me, Father, lose control daily.
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