One Year

What a year.

One year ago today--July 19, 2004--I was sitting in an auditorium in New York being "Welcome-ed" to my company. I was bright-eyed, for the most part well rested, and eager to begin this new career and this new phase in my life.

For the year leading up to that day, I had become lazy. Really lazy. In college, the constant rush and speed of my first few years had grown to a sense of complacency and restlessness. Granted, I was having a great time, but I was bored. I realized that I didn't need to work as hard as I was working and could still maintain great grades (although I still probably worked more than most) and that I could do a marginal job in the extracurricular activities that I was in and still get credit for them with minimal effort. I had really adopted the "frat guy" attitude and personality, and realized that as my college time was so limited I needed to really begin enjoying it.

A lot of things therefore suffered that last year of college. My drive and motivation became very minimal. My work ethic was shot. And most importantly my faith--which had sustained me and set me apart from the group my freshman year of college--waned. I was still going to church every Sunday and, heck, I even help to start a small Bible study in my fraternity, but my like most things in my life I had grown complacent in it and was content to be an observer in my faith rather than an active participant.

I knew from the beginning that my job was going to be tough. I knew that it was going to shake me out of my laziness in terms of my drive, motivation, and work ethic and require me to really snap back into my freshman year of college mode where I was so eager and tying to make a name for myself. I knew it would entail long hours and some sleepless nights. I knew all that.

What I didn't know, however, was the profound effect it would have on my faith.

I can never begin to know God's will. As hard as I try, it will probably not make a lot of sense to me. I can suppose what God wanted me to do. I felt at the end of college he was telling me to go to seminary school right away. I still think that might have been the case--but am not convinced. And as I reflect more and more on this past year and what I have learned from it, I have become less and less sure that God really didn't want me here all along.

This has been the hardest year of my life. It's been hard for a vast majority of reasons. But for the first time in my life I have done something that isn't easy. School was always easy. Sure, I stressed out a lot and worried a lot, but at the end of the day it was an easy endeavor. My extracurricular activities were easy. They required a little effort to keep them going, and being "good enough" rewards about the same benefits as truly excelling in it. Easy.

This, however, has been anything but easy. For the first time I have been in a job that hasn't come natural to me. I have had to face the feeling of being inadequate in what I do. For the first time I haven't been in control of my own schedule. In the past if I was busy it was basically my own fault--I took on too much, and if I wanted to be less busy all I had to do was say "no" or get out, and it would be taken care of.

For the first time in my life I have had to work hard. Harder than I ever wanted or ever thought possible.

And as a result of this experience, God has tested me and stretched me in ways I have never thought possible, and the lessons taught me this past year has been a veritable "Who's Who" of skills that God requires his disciples to know.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ~ Galations 5:22-23

I can look to each of these "fruits" in my own life and see how they have either matured or were planted because of this job--often times not without much struggle, fight and pushback from me. As a result of this experience, God has continued to mold me and shape me in the person he ultimately wants me to be. He has taught me, probably more than anything, that my joy and foundation in life cannot come from external situations--as was their source for so much of my life--and instead has to come from inward--from the Holy Spirit inside of me. I finally have come to understand what Paul means when he says

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. ~ Phil 4:12-13

Now, I'm not saying that I always am content in every situation--but I know what Paul is getting at here, and I can only aspire to be truly able to say this myself. I'm closer now than I was a year ago.

Was I ready to enter seminary school last Fall? I don't know. I don't know if I could have handled it. I don't know if I had grown out of my "old ways" enough. I don't know if I would have been as effective as I believe I can be now as a result of this experience. It just very well might be that this was indeed God's plan for my life all along.

Regardless of whether or not I ended up where I was suppossed to end up is a pointless game that will prove "fruitless." The fact is that I am here now, and that I must be focused on getting the most out of my time here.

A year ago I had no idea how my life would have progressed up until this point. And equally so, I have no idea where I will be on July 19, 2006. But no matter where I end up, I do know one thing--that if I forget what is behind--and strain toward what is ahead--I will no doubt be closer to that goal.

It's taken me a whole year to figure that out...

What a year, indeed.